My Song

I made a song :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdrYdwTA79I&context=C2a40eADOEgsToPDskJbspmIlEGVbILqYCGb_vKc

Ok, I didn't really make it... but I sang it. I'll be back to blogging once finals are over. Until then, I'll keep shower singing and possibly do a few more youtube videos... but we'll see. I mess up to much :-P

Training my Rats

11/3/11

                So consider this my official announcement: I have rats. Rats by choice. I have two female rats named Liberty and Mercedes. I got them because I was thinking (as I frequently do… like daily… sometimes hourly) about how much I miss having a pet. Then I thought to myself, “You know, you can’t wait for a pet to happen to you, you have to happen to it.” And in that moment I realized that like children, there’s really no convenient time for a new pet… you just have to close your eyes, jump in, and take the good with the bad. I chose rats because they are highly intelligent and they live for 3-5 years. In 3-5 years I hope to be completing grad school, more settled, possibly married… or at least dating someone? Anyway, 3-5 years is a good commitment time for me with these two rats because I think in 3-5 years, I’ll be ready for my puppies. Oh crap… in 3-5 years I’ll be between the ages of 27-30… by that point, I might be ready for children! That’s scary.

                My rats are awesome! They fill my heart. They love sweet treats like bananas and I have noticed they are also huge spinach fans. They are so greedy though. Part of me is all about rats and the other part has a really hard time bonding with them. I suppose it’s because they are a little unruly right now. They like to dart around, feel free to climb on their cage ramp when it’s open, don’t sit still when I’m petting them, and try to grab things that they want out of my hands.

                Training the rats is one of my newest night time activities. I usually limit each rat to a 15 minute session. Last week, we just got to know each other and I would hold them or let them walk around my bed for that time. I was just trying to build familiarity and trust between us.

                This week, I’ve noticed the rats have become a little to trusting. They are all over the place and have high expectations when it comes to food. I think the focus needs to go from food, to activity and relationship.

                Last night we started our first training session. I’m mixing positive and negative reinforcing techniques… although in truth, I have no idea what the standard for behavior should realistically be for a rat.

                First off, We are working on waiting patiently to get out of the cage instead of charging the open door and jumping onto the ramp. This is important for several reasons. First off, I want to establish dominance and I want the rats to know that they are only allowed out of their cage when I permit them to be out of the cage. I’m still trying to think about a cue to associate with the permissive aspect… that can be next week.

                To teach them that they are not allowed to charge out of their cage I nudge their head and say, “No” in my ‘Serious Mommy voice’. Sometimes I may have to repeat the nudge/’no’ 15 or 20 times. We did two sessions with each rat last night and this morning they were extremely responsive! They are definitely learning quickly!

                One problem I am finding though is since I’m using my finger’s knuckle to nudge the rats, they are more apprehensive about being pet with my finger tips.  I don’t want the rats to come to associate my hands with discipline… but God says that if you spare the rod than you’ll spoil the child. Maybe the rats can learn situational context?

                I was praying about teaching the rats last night. I really want to do what’s best for them and for myself. Even though they are just rats, I feel so blessed to have them. I want to honor God in the way that I take care of them and in the way I train them.

                Part of me is a little overwhelmed because it’s been nearly 10 years since I have trained anything. I know how to do it, but I struggle with patience at times and when one method won’t work, I get frustrated and overwhelmed by how to make it work. I suppose that is how parenting feels sometimes. Training animals must be a fabulous way to prepare yourself for training children. Some of the best parents I know don’t over think things. Although I’m super anylitical and love thinking… over thinking, I’m using this training series with my rats as practice for not over thinking. Does that make any sense? Do I sound ultra hypocritical writing a blog about training rats, tying in theological threads/life lessons, and obviously thinking seriously about something that is a surface level topic? The truth is, I have a boring life and I want something to blog about. 

Aside from school, work, working out, and church… the rats are kind of the only eclectic thing going on for me right now. So that’s why I’m over thinking no thinking about them… it beats thinking about learning on a neural level (one of my classes).

                Some of the next things I intend to work with the rats will be:

1.       Teaching them to “Step up” onto my hand when it’s time to come out of their cage

2.       Teaching them to “Step Down” when it’s time to “Go back Home”

3.       Possibly rat proofing my room so they can have more exercise walking around. 

My Beauty and Value

When I am left with the effects and the evidence of my sin, I find that I forget my value and the beauty of God’s design in me. Time after time, as I draw near to Him through my obedience, empowered by His grace and pardoned by His Mercy, I find that I am loved, cherished, highly valued, and truly beautiful.

My circumstances may not change, but my belief in the truth that I am of great value to God becomes sealed and cemented in my heart.

As I submit to God’s authority, I’m equipped to walk tall and endure on the road of persistence. His is my strength. He is my portion. He leads me out of my own folly and into His plan for me. God’s desires become my desires. His will becomes the map to my heart. His word, the Bible, becomes my compass as I follow and seek Him.

Ironically, the sin vanishes and a new strength arises inside of me. The callouses fall off and I am soft and pure and innocent, not lacking in wisdom or perception. Through meekness and humility I clearly discern good from bad; right from wrong. Judgment is entrusted to God as I confide my fears to Him. Only He can Judge the whole picture. Only He can see all sides and all angles. Only He is complicated enough to uncomplicated me.

My heart is His. My mind is eager to learn. He is my wilderness, and I am His Columbus.

I do not fear my future because God has proven Himself trustworthy, Honest, and integrous. He’s faithful like the sunrise and as timely as the sunset. I do not allow my past to chain me down.  I know that I am forgiven for my past and I know that I have a future full of God’s presence. After you encounter Him, you can’t help but agree that there is no greater joy than just to be with Him.

Even if I knew He would reject me forever, I’d still follow Him because I can see that He is the only thing that truly completes my life. He’s worth the sacrifice of myself. He’s worth the sacrifice of temporary gratification from sin. He is the only thing and the only one who has the power to give permanent and enduring satisfaction, despite circumstance.

He is my constant, he is my heart beat. He’s the motivator to keep persisting when life screams to give up. God redefines my definition of beauty and value because He is my beauty and my value. When I’m on my own and do things my way, I am left with the reality of my ugliness. Nothing about my mind, heart, or body is beautiful if God isn’t being glorified with it. I am not my own. There is a greater power who reigns over me. He is the Lord of my life, and the director of my destiny. He is my God and I am proud to say that I am His creation… made with value, created in beauty.

Personal Journal for Today

October 18, 2011

Just yesterday I wrote 5 pages about the fear and anxiousness of my heart. I wrote about how deeply my heart grieved and how worried I was over life’s demands.

Today I stand comforted, strong, and energized. Ready to walk in God’s grace and tackle the tasks before me. Nothing has really changed. I still have school, work, I’m still fat, I still feel like I’d like to have someone… but I’m ok because God is with me.

I had a huge test today. It was a hard one. I also learned that I failed what should have been a “blow off” test earlier this week. I started out today with shattered hopes and a discouraged outlook. I woke up and thought, “Wow, I don’t feel any different…. I can’t believe I just have to get through this day.” I was prepared to be drug along like a cow tied to the back of a truck.

Something bueatiful happened htough. I called Dad in desperation and he prayed for me. I can’t even remember what he said. I felt better though. Then I got focused. I studied hard and I was clear the whole time. The test was easier than I had prepared for, still don’t know if I passed… but I wasn’t mentally raked the whole time. Work was enjoyable and I almost read a fifth of the amount I need to by the end of the week.

As I rode home I thought about the vast difference between the hopelessness I felt last night and the relief I’m currently feeling. I suppose that will be similar to child birth but I’ll be playing in a different ball park… any way, I was thinking.

The beauty wasn’t in the fact that I’m past the stress, but the real beauty of today was when I didn’t know how things would turn out. The beauty was when I trusted God and started studying hard. The beauty was when he gave me clarity to study and comforted me when I ran into a concept that I could not understand. He soothed me just in time to catch my breath and dive into the work. The beauty was in being cared for and having a covering.

I’ve been thinking a lot about having a covering lately.

One thing I loved about being with Marshall was that I never questioned whether or not I was looked after or “covered”. I knew that he loved me, he could provide for me, he was attentive, he heard me, he was so strong. I loved the way that I could face any problem with confidence simply because I knew that he would still be there regardless of how the situation turned out. He was a man. He was the man. I was unafraid to pursue life because he was my anchor in so many ways. I was free to explore and live because I knew I was safe and that I was protected in my exploration and pursuit of my dreams.

That is one thing I’ve never really felt from a man before. I think in some ways, it’s something that I’ve never known I could feel from God…At least not until Marshall and I met.

I’m starting to realize that God wants to be my anchor. There’s so much intimacy and endurance in that role. It requires the ultimate trust and openness that I have to give, because as I anchor myself, I’m faced with revealing the darkest side of who I am… along with the most beautiful parts of me. My anchor knows my heart in all facets and my anchor is privileged to see past the surface front that I manage. My anchor guards me in times of distress and my anchor pursues me in intimacy. Without Him, I am lost and at the mercy of the fierce winds and tides that toss me to and fro. Without it, I forget my purpose and sink into miry depths that offer no hope.  

All week I’ve been asking God, “Who am I? Why I am important to you?”

He answered me. He told me that I am His. He told me that I’m important to Him because He has invested His heart inside of me. He said that he spent great amounts of time and energy not just in creating me, but in planning for me and cultivating me. He has sacrificed pain, grief, and intense emotion on my behalf. He has derived joy, pleasure, and ecstasy by seeing me come to life and live. He says that I am a confirmation of His glory and His goodness because His power is in me and I am in Him.

Now I am asking Him, “Who are you?” And the answer is much larger than I could ever begin to understand. But in beginning the beginning to understand, I am seeing that God is gracious. I’m seeing He is loving. I’m seeing that He is flexible. I am seeing that He is comforting. I’m seeing that He appreciates order and rules, but more so, He appreciates genuineness. I’m learning that God is infinitely creative and that He is more charming than any Fabio I have ever known. His charms are not goal oriented though… they aren’t rooted in manipulation, but in a genuine love for us. He delights in giving. He loves animals and He loves hugs. Most importantly, I’m beginning to begin to see that He loves me. Just me. The whole me. The dark me. The successful me. The me that eats way to much chocolate before tests. The me that procrastinates. The me that can work out for two hours and still not be tired. The me travels. The me that He created despite sin. He still loves me. I’m amazed.  

I Fell In Love

I fell in love

So long ago

When my hair was tied in bows

I chased him round the slide and then

Caught him, kissed him, smothered him

To my surprise he ran away

Then I chased him the next day

I fell in love

I fell in love

So long ago

Desks lined up in a row

He taught me how to figure math

I really just asked for help cause he made me laugh

I thought of him night and day

Before all the rainy days

I fell in love

I fell in love

So long ago

I gave my body and my soul

I didn’t know love was so vain

I couldn’t anticipate that kind of pain

My heart ripped out

I sat alone

I fell in love

I fell in love

So long ago

I learned how to fit the mold

All grown up, still not old

His words like music to my soul

So free from rules and innocence

Yet captured by his artful grin

I fell in love

I fell in love

So long ago

Adventures followed, Loves delight

Constant battles, strife, and fights

Still, we grew in beauty then

Decided that we should be friends

Love came crashing to an end

I fell in love

I fell in love

So long ago

He touched my heart

Healed my body and soul

He loved me though I loved him not

He’s the only one I forgot

When I fell so hard back when

I fell in love

Amazing Videos about Sperm and Babies

For the guys:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kGN2dcjNUY&NR=1&feature=fvwp

For the Girls:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTvqCAbng90

For Everyone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kGN2dcjNUY&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Ok now that I'm crying over how much I want to have a baby... and after having spent way to much time watching baby development videos on youtube...I think I'll get back to my conception quiz. :-P

T-Courtney Confession from a Closet Fatty

God,

I’m about as low as I can go. I can’t get up, I don’t desire to keep pushing forward, I want to fail. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make my own success happen. I’m weak and I’m in need of your strength. I’m tired and I’m in need of your rest. I’m discouraged and I am in need of your comfort. I’m hungry, and am in need of the nutrients that only you are equipped to deliver to my starving body.

I feel your strength welling up inside of me as I wait for you to calm the storms of temptation and apathy. My typical comforts do not console me anymore. I suffer from the symptoms plagued by my idols.

I am broken in more ways than I can describe and weeping doesn’t fix anything. Planning doesn’t fix anything. One minute, I want change and pursue it with the fuel of emotional passion. Instantaneously, I turn around and give up. I return to my comforts like a dog returning to its vomit.

I’m exhausted by my own problems and I know that I have not the strength to be strengthened by. You must be my strength. You are the source of strength. Where else can I go? Who else can I turn to? If I am selfish for asking for help, then call me selfish. I’m selfish for you and you alone. I’m selfish for knowing you. I’m selfish for your comfort. I’m selfish for your glory. If I had your peace, your given prosperity, your love, your strength, you’re desires, and your will… I’d be blessed with all blessings. Without your guidance, I’m cursed. Without your deliverance, I might as well quit hoping, quit trying, and quit investing in anything. Without you, I might as well go to hell. The absence of your presence is my hell.

I’m afraid of failing, and I never cease to try to map you into a formula. You’re not a formula or a how to. You cannot be figured out or manipulated. I can not put my idea of success in your mind and convince you that it is right and just. So, exchange my hopes for your hopes and my dreams for your dreams. Make me over! Make me yours. Make me a reflection of your character that is indescribably described as pure love, true justice, and right according to any weight or measure.

I don’t want to keep saying, “tomorrow I’ll start over”, “Tomorrow I’ll set goals”, “Tomorrow I’ll become _____”… Tomorrow is here. It’s now. I want your will! I want success. I don’t want to be in the dark any more. Bring me into light and expose my heart before my soul. Judge me and heal me. Make me a woman after your heart so that I may be freed in your presence. Create in me a pure heart that longs for your will. I’m tired of playing with the devil and allowing my heart and soul to be captivated by the illusions that he is gifted in enticing me with. I’m tired of investing pleasure in pain, sin, and death. Where does it lead? Who does it draw me to?

“A kiss on the lips, a life on the hips”

That’s the truth.

Give me wisdom so that I can endure past emotions and through the trials. Holy Spirit, equip me in your love because only by your living power in me may I survive and conquer this.

At first I wondered if my desire to lose weight was rooted in vanity and selfishness. Maybe parts of it are. Still, I cannot imagine that you are a God who would allow your daughter to be overcome by a piece of chocolate or a mix of flour and sugar. I cannot imagine that you are a God who would stand by as simple carbs wage war on my soul. Dramatic analogy, possibly… but after 8 years of trying to lose the same 20 pounds I’d say it’s about right. I use food to cope with stress.

Confession of a closet fatty: Last night after work, I at nearly 2,300 calories because I was stressed out about feeling like a failure over not having lost any weight, spending money that I don’t have (that I decided I wouldn’t spend), and frustration over my grades. That’s how I dealt with it. And I stayed up nearly 4 hours past my bedtime to do it!

Want another confession? Before I decided to start typing this very blog, I was actually considering leaving work to go pig out and get pizza. It was in that moment that I thought, “This is like a cocaine addiction”.

I’m shamed by my failure, but I hope for God’s mercy. I hope that God will come to my rescue. I hope one day I can humbly stand before a piece of chocolate cake in my size 4 jeans and 120 lb body and say, “No thank you. I’m just not into that.” And truly mean it. I hope that one day I will look back and be overcome by God’s faithfulness and goodness because he got me there.

I don’t want to be vain and I don’t want to be selfish, but I know that I have a problem and I know that I need God’s help. I’m terrified of admitting this because the more you admit, the less you can hide. The more I expose myself, the less I can justify. The more I come out, the fewer excuses there will be. I’m scared of running out of excuses… but I’m terrified of creating opportunities for myself to create them.

I need you God. I’m willing to wait. Please come to my rescue.  

Random thoughts while waiting on my test time to start

10/6/11

Well, I have reached the point of no return in studying for this sex test. That means that I will not return to studying.

I have been studying and studying and I’m tired of it and I’ve quit caring. I’m sure I’ll care in an hour as I’m taking the test and can’t remember the correct answer, but can remember reading it in the book. I don’t like it when that happens.

I need to decide how I will waste the next hour though. I’m listening to Pandora right now. Randy Travis is singing about how the reason he must go is on the other hand.

I wish I had something fun to do. I could go sit outside of the testing room and ask people what they thought about the test… in fact… I just might do that. I sat and watched people walk out for a few minutes and couldn’t go through with asking. Maybe in a little while.

I’ll fill out my scan tron with my time. It just occurred to me that if I were to fill out all of my scan trons ahead of time, I’d never feel obligated to donate scan trons to students who had forgotten to get out. That is a good idea… I wonder what God thinks about it. I think he may  be alright with it. That’s a great idea!

Last night I dreamed that I was a manager of a special basketball game. I was a manager who focused highly on nutrition. After I realized what my role was, I realized that all my basketball players were super hot! They all had 8 packs like bam! They were sexy. So I made them a beef pan… I don’t know what that means exactly… but I made them a pan of beef. I tried it and started throwing up. It was then that I realized that I was in the bathroom. (Isn’t it crazy how you can just realize you are somewhere else in a dream… I think that’s how some of my pretending was when I was little). Anyway, I was throwing up. As I lifted my head in the dream I saw a mirror and was horrified to realize my hair had turned black and the roots were hot pink. I was mainly horrified because I knew everyone would know it was not natural and that I had done something to it, even though I hadn’t. Talk about frightening!

I look forward to bedtime. I just wish I could eat some yogurt beforehand. I’m not doing sugar for the month though. We’ll just have to see how that goes. I’m hoping to lose some weight.

I do look forward to being skinnier and smaller one day. That makes feeling so hungry a little bit easier. I am always hungry. I chew a lot of gum to deal with it. I also drink an insane amount of water. I’m like a water hippo. I don’t know how much they drink, but I’m sure it’s more than a cheeta or an animal that doesn’t hang out in the water.

I wish I could dance. I wish that everyone in this library would be on board with a random, perfectly choreographed song and dance routine led by yours truly. I enjoy imagining what would happen if I jumped on the computer desk and just started singing and dancing all over this lab. I’d love it if everyone enthusiastically joined in according to my set rhythm. I would need a better costume though. I’m wearing some grey and pink pin strip dress pants, sketchers, a little sweater thing, and a grey shell underneath. I feel like a professional woman today. I wonder if I look all grown up or if people can see through me.

Even though it’s been nearly two weeks since I have regularly been on facebook, I still think in status updates.  Maybe that’s partially why my journals tend to be so scattered.

I’m seeing people go upstairs to take the test… I may go join them. When I do, I think I’ll contemplate whether or not I like facial hair on men. What better topic is there to think about right before you’re about to take a make it or break it test for a semi important class? I can’t imagine. I suppose this is the truest living example of senioritis that I keep hearing about. It’s basically where you get to a point in your academic career where you truly are over it. I’m over it. I’m done. Checked out. Finished. But not finished. I’m not done. I have at least one semester to go, most likely two… and if hell on earth exists, three. I’d just die. I’d lay down and die. Well, that’s an exaggeration.

Ok I want to know who that young hottie is walking towards me. He’s wearing this fabulous brilliant blue shirt that would get him hired in a heart beat for any job interview. Mmm. He’s like super young though. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was three years younger than me. I’m such a cougar now. The cool thing about liking younger men is you know you have the upper hand in more ways than just one. There’s a confidence that comes with it that confirms that you are less likely to be hurt. Did I truly just admit that? I sound so sorry right now. I am not interested in dating younger men for the record…. I just enjoy being amused by the fantasy of it. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever really considered it.

I wish that I could blog about some topics aside from relationships, food, my fat ass, and occasional crafting projects. Sorry, those are just the main topics that hold my attention.

So far everyone who has gone up to take that stupid sex test has come back down. I suppose the first test group isn’t done yet. We still have 40 min to go. I just saw another guy go up. Let’s see if he comes back down. I’ll give him 4-5 minutes. There he is. Now he’s walking back outside. I guess I will just keep waiting. It’s funny to me that none of these people are reading the sign. Just as a type that, a girl stopped and read the sign about the test… and another one did too.

Could I be any more boring right now? Is anyone reading this?

My sex class is all online so it will be cool to see what kind of people are in the class. So far, 90% of the people who have come out of the first testing group have been women. Why would so many skinny pretty girls be interested in a sex class? Haha, maybe for the same reason that I am. I like sex.

Well, when there is nothing better to do than sit in one place for another 30 minutes, there is always pinterest.

My Sweet Spot

I am laying in the dark with candle light dancing around me. I’m up way past my bedtime, but don’t really care. I’m so relaxed. So content. My heart is whole, all my food for the next several days is prepared, put in portion controlled Tupperware, and labeled according to calorie content. I’ll be eating a lot of protein this week.

I am so happy and at ease, even though I have a test tomorrow that I feel as though I’m walking into partially blindly. I still don’t really care. I’m happy.

I feel like God is happy with me. I feel like He’s been watching me all evening. I’ve soaked up the attention and love.

I wore my hot pink high heels to the grocery store tonight. It seemed like the best place to show them off at… even though I went at midnight. I dressed up to go to the grocery store… I suppose this is what single life is all about. Singles dress up to go grocery shopping at the wee hours of the night only to come home, strip down to their underware, and assemble calorie counted containers of food that they will eat all week as they absorb the best that Shania twain and classical music has to offer. I’m so content.

The best part is there is not even a fraction of sarcasm to this. I truly feel like life is just smooth sailing. I feel like I’ve found a great rhythm and I’m coasting in my sweetest of sweet spots. The only thing that could make life any better is if I could be having sex at least twice a day and eat chocolate without any repercussion. I don’t think the chocolate part will ever come true, but I’ll make up for my lack of chocolate with loads of sex if God wills it.

I’m staring at a straw hat that I bought a couple years ago. I’ve only worn it twice. It’s almost derby-esque. I would expect to see it worn on easter Sunday in a very traditional old school setting or at a tea party. I need an excuse to wear it. I’m sure I’ll come up with it. Then I’ll mask my insecurity in confidence by pretending
I’m a model all day.

That’s what I do when I feel insecure about my outfits or about myself… I pretend I’m a model on the cat walk. I just start strutting. As soon as I get into model zone, I’ve noticed people smile at me a lot and say hello. Why does confidence, good posture, and a cocky strut seem to communicate, “Hello world, I’m someone you should say hello to and smile at!”? I’m not completely sure, but I’m not complaining. Why?
Because I’m so relaxed and jovial.

I feel like I do my best writing either when I’m having a complete emotional break down  or during a time when I know I’m not supposed to be writing. I hope I don’t pay for staying up so late tomorrow. I don’t like being tired. That would be a drain to this amazingly addictive in the most casual sort of way contentment. To bad I can’t lock this peace and airy zest for life in a box and utilize it on a bad day.

Why is God so good to me? Why me? I am always asking him that and all I get in return is, “Cause I love you.” But why me? Why not everyone? Why not? I don’t understand. I’m still happy. I am not the kind of person who gets down just because I know other people are suffering. I’m certainly not immune to compassion or to empathy or sorrow… I suppose I just feel such strong waves of all three that I get to points like tonight where my heart is guarded from them. It’s weird to think that you’d hope your heart could be guarded from something like compassion… but I couldn’t take feeling compassion for an extended period of time. My emotional bank requires great amounts of energy to withdraw compassion. Then I feel weak and worn for a long period of time after. When I’m feeling it, I’m overwhelmed by either love or sorrow in a very peaceful and self controlled way. Sometimes compassion scares me, because there is only so much I can do to fix and to heal. I suppose that’s the point though… maybe God wants to be the fixer and healer. I’m so happy!

I wish I could enjoy laying in the dark to my candle forever. I wish I could enjoy a nice glass of light red wine and eat dark chocolate while the candle lulled me into serenity while my husband let me lay on his chest and our dogs slept on the floor. I love dreaming of what life will be like when I may share it with someone. I always think, “Enjoy this single life while you’ve got it!” And I do. But I was made to love someone and I do love being loved. Who doesn’t? There’s really nothing like it. It’s a drug. It’s a heavenly addiction that gives to you and allows you to reciprocate to it. I love love exchange!

I’m glad I hung curtains in my room. I have a sheer blue curtain that stretches from one side of the room to the other and it blocks off my bed from the rest of the room. It’s so cozy. I’m so blessed. Why did God let me be so blessed? Why has he given me so much? I’m so fortunate! I’m so honored! I’m so free and so at peace. I have everything I need and I’m happy to just lay here and be. I’m not fearful of anything. I have no anxiety, no worries, no regrets, no longings (except for a husband with an endless sex drive and a couple of puppies to raise).

This is the life!

And this is officially my bed time.

Sweetest Dreams!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYgBoJRi9uk

Bam Chicka Wah Wah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BSay3hItV8

Ok, I'll admit it! I find old men really sexy. No, not like the one above... I just thought that would set the mood for this post.

But, over the last several months, I've noticed myself noticing men who are between 30-65! I know... a little crazy, but totally true.

I mean, they just have this mature, relaxed look that says, "I'm confident, I'm capable, I know who I am, and I know where I'm going...(hopefully not to the grave any time soon)". It's almost like you just know that they know a lot more than you do... and something about that is very appealing.

Today I was at the gym and there's this guy who always works out around the same time that I do. He's at least 45 and has all grey hair... but what a body. He's so endearing! I just can't take my eyes off of him. I keep thinking, "Stop it, he's your Dad's age! He probably has kids your age!" Then I just laugh to myself and keep on looking.

So, although I'm completely off the market, I solute sexy old men by means of this blog! I can only hope that as my husband ages, he'll be so hot... wait a minute, maybe he's saying the same thing about me right now.... dun dun dun!

Yum!

Interested in a great snack for work?  Well this one is healthy, well rounded, and doesn't need to be refrigerated:

1 Tomato cut as desired
Chili Powder (I use an ungodly amount)
Onion powder (as much as you like)
Curry (make it count)
Diced Cilantro leaves
1/2 C soy beans (I get the bagged frozen shelled ones at the store)
1/4-1/2 C feta (depending on how many calories you actually want to spend)
1/4-1/2 Avocado (again, depending on how many calories you want it to be)

Mix and put in your work/school/going out Tupperware :D

Roughly 400 Calories if you go light, but it's well rounded, filling, and full of nutrients!

Pre test Music playlist

Here are some of my favorite pre study songs. I try to stick with more of a classical genre because I get the worst test anxiety! I want something that will soothe me and give me a base for creativity, clarity, and focus. I've noticed that these songs really set a great mood for test day:

Canon in D by Pachelbel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOA-2hl1Vbc

I love Canon in D because it's so direct, yet frail and delicate. It's power and carries inertia, but it's soft like a rose petal. I can feel my pupils dilate as I listen. It just gives me energy by calms and soothes me just as I feel I'm about to throw up from the anxiety and pressure that so many tests can taunt me with.

Mmmm that song is almost better than sex.

The Prayer by Josh Groban and Charlotte Church:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckH3V_xOCnQ

Ok for starters, this girl was like 17 years old when she sang this with Josh Groban. So that's pretty inspiring on it's own. Second, Josh Groban is just sexy. Again this song delivers the perfect balance between stimulating and calming. A lot of the time I like to try and sing it in Italian when I'm in the shower... but I don't know Italian.

Count On Me by Bruno Mars:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_-Ujd2JMuw&feature=related

This song is great because it's pretty easy and relaxing, but it reminds me that God is with me. I really take a lot of comfort knowing that God is willing to help me through my tests (and after if I don't do well haha!). I am romanced by this song.

Colbie Caillat's I Never Told you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YtzsUdSC_I

This song is special to me because it makes me a little sad. I'm a little strange in the sense that I sometimes seek out negative emotions. True, I do enjoy the bittersweet aspect of this song. On test day, I like to be a little sad because it draws my focus. I need to be in a serious and intense mood before taking a test, and this song helps to serve that purpose in a light way. The problem is that I frequently get hooked on wanting to break into song during the whole test... I haven't done it yet praise God.

Aggie War Hymn:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VYSp_1zTKM&feature=related

Gotta Remember where I am right?! I love seeing youtube Aggie War Hymn wedding videos. That's just the best.

Father of the Bride:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmcoGDk4nmE

Now that's just enough to make me tear up... every time I hear it. mmm It just gives me all kinds of positive feelings.

And Finally:

Grease 2, Back to School
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdpkFPKo1o4

You can't have a test theme song list without a song about school. So just for kicks.

T-Courtney Explanation

T-Courtney is an idea that I've danced around for a couple years now...6 years to be exact... but who's counting?! Apparently I am, and I'm not just talking years, I'm talking pounds! That's right, I'm counting down the pounds that I loose publicly in this blog. 

I intend to write updates regarding my weight loss journey in hopes that it will inspire, encourage, and put enough pressure on my fat ass to eliminate it.

My goal weight: 140
Current Weight: 160 Bam! That's right... I weight 160 big ones. Granted, I do lift a lot of weights and I have a gourd shaped body, so I like to think that I hide the weight well.

I am committing to not eat sugar for the month of October (hey, gotta start small man... baby steppin, baby steppin!).

I am also limiting my final daily calorie content to 1900 calories (that should be enough to loose roughly 1/2 lb per week). I hope to stay under the 1900, but I know how hungry I get... so I think that's reasonable even though I won't loose as quickly.

I am also working out every day (taking 1-2 days off per week) doing a variety of things such as: commuting via bike, swimming, elliptical machine, stair climber, running, weight lifting 2X/per week, 20-30 min stretching every day (I can do the splits all 3 ways baby ya! Can't wait to show that one off to my husband... did I type that?), and walking around campus with the biggest back pack you've ever seen.

And, against my better judgment, I've decided to humiliate myself with before and after pictures. So enjoy, but don't share them with your friends... just refer them to my blog so maybe they'll subscribe ;-)

Yikes...

Notice the sad expression on my face (hence the before pictures). There's a lot of room for hope, improvement, and Bam Chicka Wa Wah!

So here I go, no sugar, eating healthy, working out hard, praying through my emotional addiction to food, and supplementing my extensive need for affirmation that I'm on the right track with a book entitled, "Slim For Life" by the Juice Master. I highly recommend it if you want to be completely turned off and repulsed by sugar, salt, and additives. More on that after I finish the book :-P

To end, and to be inspired, and to hopefully make you laugh a little (or just smile) I'll conclude with this brilliant masterpiece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncFCdCjBqcE

Enjoy, and come back for more!

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman: Academic Category: Graduate!

I want to graduate from TAMU

Steps:

·      Follow Degree Plan

·      Pass classes

·      Apply for Graduation – when?

·      Apply for Aggie Ring*

10/3/11

So far, I’m on track. I feel like the most difficult part of stepping towards the completion of this goal has been actually believing that I have what it takes to get through college. For so long, I’ve really believed that I’m just a dumb blonde. I type that as I’m currently on a break from reading about the intricate workings of neurotransmitters, neuromodulators, and receptors.

I intend to just take one step at a time and eventually I’ll get there. I can only do my best, and that is what it will take (plus maybe some of God’s grace). 

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Project Explanation

Howdy!

Few of you know that I am currently taking a break from dating to become a woman.

Yes, that sounds crazy, but let me explain so that you can fully appreciate my intentions.

When Marshall and I broke up in March, I knew I needed a break! I needed time to grieve (which sadly, I'm still doing 7 months later) and mature past some issues that I've recognized in myself. So I set a date, a special date to give myself a deadline for grief and growth.

Between now and 12-12-12 (you know how I am about weird dates... I couldn't help myself... even if it did extend my no dating fast 6 months... plus, it's right before my birthday), I am going to work on a long, simple, and direct list of goals that will enable me to become the woman I'd like to be when I start dating again... and just the woman I want to be for life.

I intend to blog about many of these goals during the next year and a half. It will hold me accountable, hopefully provide entertainment for some of the people who read this, and it gives me something to write about (sometimes I worry that I have nothing to say... and maybe I don't... in that case, it's a space filler).

I have divided my goals into 9 life categories:
1. Academic
2. Occupational
3. Physical
4. Mental
5.  Spiritual
6. Environmental
7. Social
8. Emotional
9. Relational

Each category has between 2-12 goals ranging from short term (easy) goals to accomplish to long term (hard) goals to focus on over the course of the entire no dating fast. Each goal has assigned steps for the purpose of making the goal easier to attain and understand. I feel like when you break a goal up into steps, it's easier to anticipate problems and form a game plan.

You may be asking, "Why no dating? Why can't you accomplish all of this and date at the same time?" Well, it's simple... dating typically absorbs a lot of time, energy, and emotions that I'm not interested in spending right now. I feel by setting a specific time table, I will not casually fall into the temptation to date. By setting a date to grieve and grow, I won't choose to start dating just because I'm lonely or because I am bored. I won't date for the wrong reasons.

So far, it's been 7 months into the no dating "fast" or break. Even recently, I have become aware of some of the reasons and ways that I have used dating in the past to numb my pain and cope with some insecurities I have. When I start dating again, I don't want to do it because I have a need to do it, I want to do it because I have a desire. I want to become an independent, secure woman so that I can be the best wife and helper. I don't want my boyfriend and/or future husband to be the person I use to confirm that I have value or that I'm worthy of love. I want to know that I'm me and I'm God's and that I am my spouses delight, apart from my performance. Hopefully that's clear... I feel like I'm starting to run in circles.

I do hope you enjoy!

Pinterst Interest: Potato Fries, Acorns, and Apple Yummies

Above is my version of the Potato fries. The directions were simple: slice a potato thinly (but not all the way), brush with olive oil, add whatever spices you would like (I chose Creole), and then cook at 400 degrees for about an hour (I forgot about them so I don't know how long they cooked for). 

The verdict: Amazing! I had fun eating them, they were super easy to make, and they were healthy. I ate half for lunch and for dinner I dipped them in non fat, greek plain yogurt (a great sub for sour cream). I also put some fat free chesse on top of the last few. Yumm!!

Above is my "Acorns". Use icing to glue a chocolate kiss to a food disk... I can't remember what they are called... nilla wafers? Well, glue them together and glue a baby kiss on top. 

The verdict: This project took me three hours (granted, I made nearly 300 for a church pic nic). They tasted good, but they didn't really look the same as they did on the pinterest site. Unwrapping all the kisses was a tiring process, and it was hard to conceal the icing glue. I am glad I tried this one, but probably won't make it again... or at least not until I have children and want to teach them about squirrels. 

Above are my apple snacks! Wow what a winner! I cored an apple, spread almond butter on top, and garnished with a low sugar trail mix. On a couple of the apples, I just sprinkled with cinnamon. I loved this snack because it was easy, quick, and healthy. It gave me the energy I needed and was really filling. I am curious how it would travel though. It might be a better snack to enjoy at home rather than trying to tote it around at work. I will most certainly make it again though!  

Pinterst Interst

I'm officially hooked.

I love Pinterest! Thanks to a few friends and coworkers, my addiction is in full swing and has become comparative to farmville last year.

I will be doing some blogs now on my Pinteresting adventures. So far I've tried two really fun pinterest ideas and they were the bomb! I feel like all the sudden my life has become very interesting in a low cost sort of way.

Pinterest may be just the thing God has provided to occupy my hunger for adventure, exploration, and creativity while I'm on my "no dating till 12-12-12" fast. Ok, now that I've procrastinated an hour away on pinteresting and blogging, it's time to get back to my neuroscience studying. Yuck!

I woke up today at 11:02am. I left my phone at the grocery store last night and had no alarm. This was the first day in over two weeks that I woke up feeling rested. My heart is so whole. 

I haven't done anything productive except make coffee, start a load of laundry, and eat french toast. 

The sun is out and the heat is comfortable. 

If I were a wild horse, I wouldn't be any more free than I am in this moment. 

I miss this feeling. It's the same feeling you used to feel on Saturday morning before your parents woke up. I remember waking up, laying in front of the tv and watching cartoons. Then whenever I felt like it, I'd eat breakfast and play the day away. There were no appointments, no business clothes, no assignments, no pressure to act or be a certain way. I just was. And I was so happy! 

Just as I write, Frank Sanatra's Young at Heart began playing on my Pandora station. It's Michael Bublee day on Pandora you know. 

I miss life always being so free. Of course, I love the challenge of accomplishing and growing and making things happen. I’m thankful for pockets of time where I may escape from “the real” world and into my special neverland where this magical relaxation never ceases to happen.

I’m so blessed and grateful for this opportunity in the middle of test season to escape the stress, escape the fear, escape anxiety, escape pretending to be smart, and escape actually being smart. Here in this place, I’m free, innocent, content, joyful Courtney.

If my life were a movie I would think this would be a muted out part accompanied by some bitter sweet song like, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and I’d be in slow motion…. Mmm. I like that thought.

Outside, I can see the blue bird chasing some other birds. This is just a fabulous day! I love not having a phone! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_DKWlrA24k&ob=av2n 

Please Don't Stop that Music!

I love music! When I listen to it, I feel as though my soul is expressed in a way that I am not equipped to verbalize. I wonder if music causes the neurons in your brain to respond in the same way that other addictive substances do? It would be interesting to look into on a different day.

Some people argue against music because it does have so much power of the human psych. True, a song can sway even the most enduring of minds under the proper conditions. A song can break you down, build you up, give strength, plant hope, comfort, and a song can at times be one’s only companion when facing grief. Songs produce joy and express indescribable emotions.

If I had to say I have an addiction to something, music would be the thing. As soon as I admit my love affair, my first thought turns to God. Do I love my God more than I love my music or do I use my music as a substitute for the intimacy that I long for with my Lord?

Why do my convictions always find me in my ecstasy? Truly, if I never heard another song again, I’d be more entranced by the rhythm of my God’s love than any serenade I’ve ever been romanced or captivated by.

Even still, I’m pretty sure God likes music too. Otherwise He would never have admitted that he dances over us in Zephaniah. He would have never told us to write songs to Him. He would not admit that he enjoys it.

I love my sweet Jesus, and I’m so blessed by the music that He has enabled us to create and enjoy before Him :D.  

One more thought

Well, of course, I couldn't write a sad break up poem and not follow up with some hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA&NR=1

At first, I was thinking, "Why are they in a grocery store? This is weird." Then I realized, "Oh it's actually really cool cause you never know when you'll meet that special person who you just haven't met YET :-P

Still a year and a half to go on my no dating fast. I can't help but hope that God will pursue my heart the way I want a lover to. I know He does, frequently. I'm actually so spoiled to Him and I should not take him for granted.

God romanced me today with His peace. I've been so tired, and God filled me with peace despite my test. I loved having my home group to my house and I got to cook. I'm so encouraged to know so many amazing friends! I'm so blessed to have such a great job! I'm healthy and God is giving me so much grace in school! How and why did I become so fortunate?

I do look forward to loving again and having someone love me, but until that day comes, I'll be content and I'll rest in God.

To end, I'm excited to say that I've gone from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlV7RhT6zHs&ob=av3e

To:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg&ob=av2e

And it's very:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=booKP974B0k&ob=av3e

I'm not kidding... I'm a total Ligress in the most estrogen/progesterone educed way. It's such a cool feeling!

My Heart Misses You

My heart misses you

I miss your smile

I miss knowing that you would always hold me

I miss lighting up when you came around just because you were around

I miss knowing you and having you know me

I miss our secrets

I miss being able to talk without saying a word

My heart misses you

My heart misses unlocking the mystery of your soul

I miss always being so surprised by discovering who you are

But always being satisfied with my discovered treasure

I miss knowing that I was the only one who knew you

Now, I wonder who else does, who else has, and who else will

I miss crying on your shoulder

It was so strong, and it was my hiding place

I miss feeling that when I went to you, I was completely safe from anyone, anything, or any unfortunate event

The world could fall apart and I’d still be flying so high because I had your heart

But now, I’m just me and you’re just you

I miss believing that everything would be alright, through any and ever fight

Miss holding out hope for our future

And building our dreams as high as our imaginations would reach

I miss the security of knowing I had the world at my finger tips because I had your heart as my embrace

I miss the past and I miss your love

I would never go back to claim it

Like a flower in the heat of the summer sun it has faded away

But wasn’t it beautiful?

It was so fragile, yet it withstood storms and seasons

But like all seasons, it too had it’s passing moments

And now it’s gone

And my heart misses your heart

I miss our last kisses

The way you held me

When you’re love, you truly believe no one else has ever felt such chemistry or depth

I miss the fantasy of being the only two people in the world

I miss your heart

My heart misses you

Chocolate Love Addiction

After I lost my Dog, Starlit and after I lost my fiance, chocolate just seemed to be on my mind constantly. In fact, there was a bout a week or so that I spent eating chocolate constantly! I gained nearly 15 lbs! Yikes!

Well, it turns out that when you are in love, your bran releases a chemical called phenylethylamine, which is similar to amphetamine (highly pleasurable, highly addictive). When you loose someone you are in love with, you go through a major withdrawl phase! Talk about a crash!

In response to the withdrawls, your body looks for ways to get your phenylethylamine high back... one of those ways is chocolate (which contains amounts of phenylethylamine).

If you're love has been lost, maybe this knowledge will prevent you from reaching for the oh so amazing sweet stuff and you'll find your phenylethylamine kick else where :-P

Sex Dreams... Sex Nightmares!

So this week in my Human Sexuality class is Hermaphrodite week. When I haven’t been emerged in parasympathetic and sympathetic processes and responses, I have been reading all about people who have sex chromosome disorders.

Last night I had this horrible dream that I was a hermaphrodite! I discovered that I had a penis! Coincidently, I happened to be at a party full of men who wanted to marry me. Also, I was (for whatever reason) completely naked. Don’t ask why I decided to go to a party where I’d meet my husband completely naked…

Anyway, I realized I had a penis after I got to the party and after I realized I was naked. It was the scariest dream I’ve had in months and months! Thank goodness it was a funny scary dreams :-P Note to self, if I find myself at a party full of men who want to marry me, bring clothes… and wear them… and check to confirm I’m still all women :-P

God dialogue

This is a caption from my personal journal that explains and reflects my current status with God. I believe that God actively speaks to us, so I included the words I felt He spoke to me as well. I hope that it serves to show you a glimpse into the Christian struggles, but also a source of hope because God really is completely amazing! 

I am so two sided.

I can be worshipping you one minute and the next lusting or over eating or over spending… all things you have told me not to do.

God, my hypocrisy discourages me. My lack of a desire for you worries me. My inconsistent pursuit of you makes me question my love for you. Still, when I question it, I cannot deny a longing and need for connecting with your heart. I cannot deny a craving for your attention. I have hope for it God. I have hope for intimacy with you. I have hope for knowing you. Sometimes that hope feels more like tissue paper in the rain than strong durable burlap. Why am I so weak God? Why do you still love me even when I have absolutely nothing but needs and requests to offer you?

You’re my strong tower. You keep me safe when the storm comes. The storm is here though, and I feel like a stupid little sheep that cannot find the door to your tower. I feel like I’m wandering around aimlessly and fearfully without hope.

So you will be my shepherd. You pursue me and become my shield. You come to me and quiet my spirit. 

You come upon me and settle in me. How else could I change?! How else could I be saved? There’s nothing in me that naturally desires good. Only your goodness shown to me can grab my attention. Your light draws me so that I can see. Sight means nothing to a blind woman whose never seen. But after seeing for the first time, I know that I need it.

Finding you is like gaining my sixth sense. I was lost and now I’m found and there is no turning back, even through discouragement is imminent, hopelessness is never lost.

I hope that we’ll get through this storm, and I long for the days of smooth sailing that I’m certain are ahead. Until that day comes, I’ll continue to praise you because even though I’m sin, you’re good and you’re perfect! 

You still want me, for reasons I can only understand when I read the verse 2 Timothy 2:13 which states, “ if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” What a powerful reminder that you are LOVE! You are faithful to the end, even when we turn our back on you. You are grace! Glory to you God because what you choose to give us is a complete miracle and only speaks of your character. My instinct longs to repay you and make up for your love. I long to earn it, and I’d endlessly look for ways to try… but I’d endlessly fail.

When I compare myself with your love, I’m found out. I cannot be perfect. I can’t be pure. I can’t be faithful, not completely. I can’t be truthful or trustworthy… no matter how hard I try, I can never be your equal. You are God and I’m sinner.

I suppose that my earning your love, I’d feel justified. I’d feel like my sin would be excused.

You tell us that when you sent Jesus to die for us, we were justified because 

He was completely perfect. He died without deserving any punishment. He conquered death so that we would know that we are free from the curse of constantly having to atone for our sin… He is the atonement!

Why is it so easy for me to dismiss your love sacrifice?

Why is it so comfortable to say to myself, “Yes, God loves you, but… you have to make up for it and prove to Him that you really love Him back the same way?” The truth is, I can’t love you as much as you love me.

I can’t know you the way you know me.

From my side, this is a very immature and selfish relationship. I struggle with that because you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me! You deserve more! You deserve everything!

God: “Well, I have the trinity…. Perfect fellowship between the father, spirit, and son….truly, I don’t ‘need’ you… I just want you, I love you! I have compassion for you and I want you to endure. I want you to finish strong because I want to be present in your life. I love past sin, and I don’t even remember it after you submit to me in repentance because of my love. I don’t want you to be haunted by your past. I want you to move forward in the confidence that you are saved by grace and through love. I want you to know that I’m yours and always will be because I choose to love you endlessly.”

Me: “Will you unharden my heart to your love then?”

God: “Not if that means you want to be created perfect….. you will just have to wait to be perfect, you will mature though. You’re relatively new at all this… just like a baby, you’re going to fall down before you efficiently walk.”

Me: “Will you hold my hand then? So that I won’t be afraid as I get up and try again?”

God: “Always.”

Me: “God, you romance my heart. You’re help is strengthening and encouraging. I’m thankful for you! I’m thankful that you care so much about me, though I don’t understand it completely.”

God: Even the angels don’t completely understand it, but my glory is revealed as they watch sinners hearts turn to me despite their desire for evil. My glory is shown through the darkness when people seek me out and find me (cause I’m always willing to be found). All creation won’t be able to deny goodness because good triumphs over all of this evil. You will see and you’ll be filled with wonder, awe, thankfulness, and joy. These are days to hope for and to look forward to. Get ready though, because it’ll happen sooner than you realize. I’m excited for it!

Me: I can’t wait till we’re all together praising your name! I can’t wait to see you acknowledged by everyone and everything! Darkness will bow before you and be humbled by you because you’re undeniable, even here on earth! You’re goodness quenches the thirsts of the withered souls that hunt for living water. 

You’re words strengthen and encourage my spirit like bread (a high protein bread that is) lifts me up and fills me. Teach me this God diet, so I can quit having so many sugar lows. Too often, I feed on junk food. Too often I turn to alternative sources of nourishment for my soul. I feed upon empty things and then wonder why I question your love for me. I wonder why I can’t trust you anymore. My examples are Hollywood stars who put their security in the tangible and people who turn to thrills to fill the void in the hearts that you are to fill.

I can’t eat candy (or in my case, Netflix/flirting with boys I know I have no business flirting with/mismanaging my money/not eating healthy to comfort myself/ etc) and not expect to feel the rush and then the bonk. I have to eat right and spend my time taking in things that holy, good, pure… like the music I listen to, the people I choose to hang out with, and the ways I choose to spend my time and money. God teach me, I’m willing to humble myself and admit I don’t know it all!

I love you Jesus!