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I am laying in the dark with candle light dancing around me. I’m up way past my bedtime, but don’t really care. I’m so relaxed. So content. My heart is whole, all my food for the next several days is prepared, put in portion controlled Tupperware, and labeled according to calorie content. I’ll be eating a lot of protein this week.
I am so happy and at ease, even though I have a test tomorrow that I feel as though I’m walking into partially blindly. I still don’t really care. I’m happy.
I feel like God is happy with me. I feel like He’s been watching me all evening. I’ve soaked up the attention and love.
I wore my hot pink high heels to the grocery store tonight. It seemed like the best place to show them off at… even though I went at midnight. I dressed up to go to the grocery store… I suppose this is what single life is all about. Singles dress up to go grocery shopping at the wee hours of the night only to come home, strip down to their underware, and assemble calorie counted containers of food that they will eat all week as they absorb the best that Shania twain and classical music has to offer. I’m so content.
The best part is there is not even a fraction of sarcasm to this. I truly feel like life is just smooth sailing. I feel like I’ve found a great rhythm and I’m coasting in my sweetest of sweet spots. The only thing that could make life any better is if I could be having sex at least twice a day and eat chocolate without any repercussion. I don’t think the chocolate part will ever come true, but I’ll make up for my lack of chocolate with loads of sex if God wills it.
I’m staring at a straw hat that I bought a couple years ago. I’ve only worn it twice. It’s almost derby-esque. I would expect to see it worn on easter Sunday in a very traditional old school setting or at a tea party. I need an excuse to wear it. I’m sure I’ll come up with it. Then I’ll mask my insecurity in confidence by pretending
I’m a model all day.
That’s what I do when I feel insecure about my outfits or about myself… I pretend I’m a model on the cat walk. I just start strutting. As soon as I get into model zone, I’ve noticed people smile at me a lot and say hello. Why does confidence, good posture, and a cocky strut seem to communicate, “Hello world, I’m someone you should say hello to and smile at!”? I’m not completely sure, but I’m not complaining. Why?
Because I’m so relaxed and jovial.
I feel like I do my best writing either when I’m having a complete emotional break down or during a time when I know I’m not supposed to be writing. I hope I don’t pay for staying up so late tomorrow. I don’t like being tired. That would be a drain to this amazingly addictive in the most casual sort of way contentment. To bad I can’t lock this peace and airy zest for life in a box and utilize it on a bad day.
Why is God so good to me? Why me? I am always asking him that and all I get in return is, “Cause I love you.” But why me? Why not everyone? Why not? I don’t understand. I’m still happy. I am not the kind of person who gets down just because I know other people are suffering. I’m certainly not immune to compassion or to empathy or sorrow… I suppose I just feel such strong waves of all three that I get to points like tonight where my heart is guarded from them. It’s weird to think that you’d hope your heart could be guarded from something like compassion… but I couldn’t take feeling compassion for an extended period of time. My emotional bank requires great amounts of energy to withdraw compassion. Then I feel weak and worn for a long period of time after. When I’m feeling it, I’m overwhelmed by either love or sorrow in a very peaceful and self controlled way. Sometimes compassion scares me, because there is only so much I can do to fix and to heal. I suppose that’s the point though… maybe God wants to be the fixer and healer. I’m so happy!
I wish I could enjoy laying in the dark to my candle forever. I wish I could enjoy a nice glass of light red wine and eat dark chocolate while the candle lulled me into serenity while my husband let me lay on his chest and our dogs slept on the floor. I love dreaming of what life will be like when I may share it with someone. I always think, “Enjoy this single life while you’ve got it!” And I do. But I was made to love someone and I do love being loved. Who doesn’t? There’s really nothing like it. It’s a drug. It’s a heavenly addiction that gives to you and allows you to reciprocate to it. I love love exchange!
I’m glad I hung curtains in my room. I have a sheer blue curtain that stretches from one side of the room to the other and it blocks off my bed from the rest of the room. It’s so cozy. I’m so blessed. Why did God let me be so blessed? Why has he given me so much? I’m so fortunate! I’m so honored! I’m so free and so at peace. I have everything I need and I’m happy to just lay here and be. I’m not fearful of anything. I have no anxiety, no worries, no regrets, no longings (except for a husband with an endless sex drive and a couple of puppies to raise).
This is the life!
And this is officially my bed time.
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