Howdy Everyone!
I have been feeling lead to share my testimony. I hope to eventually make a youtube version for those who prefer the actual voice inflections and heart of it all. I hope that some of you will bless us with your testimonies as well because as we share what the Lord has done in our lives, what He is doing, and our hopes/where He is taking us, we are strengthened, our faith is built up, and we give Him glory.
Romans 1:21-32 21
What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. 22 They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. 23 They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand. 24 So God said, in effect, "If that's what you want, that's what you get." It wasn't long before they were living in a pigpen, smeared with filth, filthy inside and out. 25 And all this because they traded the true God for a fake god, and worshiped the god they made instead of the God who made them - the God we bless, the God who blesses us. Oh, yes! 26 Worse followed. Refusing to know God, they soon didn't know how to be human either - women didn't know how to be women, men didn't know how to be men. 27 Sexually confused, they abused and defiled one another, women with women, men with men - all lust, no love. And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it - emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches. 28 Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose. 29 And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous, 30 fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way. 31 Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded. 32 And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care - worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best!
I've come to learn that my story really isn't different than many stories out there. I haven't lived a life more or less sheltered and at the same time more or less extreme than anyone else. I haven't endured more or less pain, but I have survived my perceived capacity for pain and lived to tell the story. Some may say that is a dramatic statement, but it's really a matter of perspective. When you come face to face with the "worst that can happen" and realize that you are still able to get back up and keep going, you realize that the worst can really only be so bad.
Jesus, please guide my heart, my mind, and my fingers as I type my story. Allow me to share no more and no less than would be beneficial for my audience. I pray you will bless my story to your glory so that all will know both the consequences of living apart from you and the fullness of life we are entitled to because of your love when we choose to humble ourselves before you. Bless my readers so that they see an accurate view of your heart of love regardless of history, background, struggle or success. Bless them with an ability to relate, even if we have very different stories. And bless them as they share their stories, all to your glory and all for the sake of love. This is my love story with the true lover of heart:
November 4, 2004 was the night I died. Mascara ran down my tired face. The knots in my hair made it impossible to comb through... pony tail response until I could muster the strength to deal with it. Even though I had lost nearly 60 lbs over the last several months (after a 90lb gain the previous year), the face that stared back at me was puffy.
"
You slut". I thought. "
You are such a dirty whore. If you're going to fuck so many strangers, you might as well get paid for it... you'd last two to five years and that would at least relieve the financial stress... you could really earn a lot money during that time... but you'd probably end up spending it after you get pregnant again or after you get STDs. The tests have always been clear so far... I wonder how much longer I'll stay clean until I get AIDS or something... hmmm... you really could make a lot of money though... at least until you start looking tired and warn out... maybe you'll meet some rich guy would give you surgery... plastic surgery in 8 years at 25 ha!... you really could make some money... you'll have to distance yourself from your family... they'll get over it and move on... soon you'll be nothing but a mention at thanksgiving and Christmas and hopefully they won't know what happened to you...hopefully... " I distinctly remember these thoughts. I knew exactly how I would do it and I weighed the consequences. Nothing could compare to the pain I had already lived through. I was a locust's shell.
Within the last year, I had been released from a long term treatment center for depression, my family broke apart, we went bankrupt, lost our home, I lost my horse who was in many ways a huge source of identity for me, I gained 90 lbs, and became deeply emerged in a sex and pornography addiction... all in one year's time. I started watching porn at age 11 but had been heavily involved in cyber sex since I was 9 years old. You'd be surprised how many people are interested in receiving nude pictures of an 11 year old online; or maybe not these days. I loved the thrill because I felt wanted and secure. I felt powerful and invisible... even though it may sound like I was stupid and ignorant, I was fully aware of the consequences of my actions. I had thought through everything and I didn't care. Part of me hoped one of the guys would just end it all for me. I had watched enough Unsolved Mysteries to know how that would work. I didn't care. I was numb and hollow. Feeding my addiction was the only thing that made me feel alive... and to quote my favorite James Bond movie, The World is Not Enough, "There's no point in living if you can't feel alive."
I take that back, one other thing made me feel alive. Pain. I sat across from my Dad the night I was caught having sex at my high school. Tears streamed down his face as He said, "I just don't understand. I feel like an absolute failure. How could this have happened. How did we get here?"
I was raised in a Christian home. My parents adored both my little sister and I. They could not have been better parents. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how well you parent your kids; there eventually comes a point where your kids are either going to honor you and make wise decisions or not. My Dad didn't know what I was into and honestly, I don't think it would have been easy for him to know. I was very good at covering my tracks and I was an expert manipulate. I hated lying, but I would do it... I felt like I was sparing his heart and that made me feel better. I felt alive when I saw his heart break. When I sat there and watching him fall apart over me, I wanted to disappear forever.
"It doesn't have to be that way you know."
"
You again?! God, when are you going to give up? Can't you see how far I am from you? I don't want you. I try and try but it's pointless. I'm a whore and won't ever change. It's a part of me. Back off."
"
It doesn't have to be that way." God's voice is more of an impression for me. I don't hear it... but it comes in strong and clear. His voice is much more impacting than a normal thought.
"
Show me." I was desperate to see something else. I was desperate to hope for something more... but I honestly was to afraid to hope. I was to afraid to dream. I was to afraid that if I dared to believe I could actually live differently, I would not like the "me" that I would become. I didn't want to change or let go or lose the knowledge I had acquired while hardening my heart. It actually hurts to harden your heart... and it hurts to let go of the "power" you acquire when you decided you are willing to allow God to soften it again. It hurts to come back to God... it hurts more than anything...it feels like...coming alive.
God gave me two images.
One was a tired, unhealthy, skinny woman with three children. They were very poor and the woman could not take care of the children. They lived in a very dangerous area in a small one bedroom apartment. The woman desired to nurture her children and raise them well, but the demands of pure survival kept her in a constant state of drowning within unmanageable stress. She was hounded by her pimp because she couldn't pay him and could no longer get work. She couldn't afford clothes or food or furniture. Everything was dirty. She was past the point of hoping for change.
The other woman was healthy and energetic. Everywhere she went, she was surrounded by life and gave life. I was unclear how many kids she had, but there were 2-4 of them...all blonde, all happy, and they loved her. Her husband adored her and their children. She was provided for and she was a blessing to her family and friends. She was whole and lived in complete freedom. She was structured and organized and content. She radiated with joy, peace, and security.
"
Choose life. Choose me." That was all He said. That was all He needed to say.
My heart was hard... but renewed. I challenged God, "
If you want me than you can have me, but you have to do the work. I'm done trying and I can't change on my own. If you'll change me, I'll be yours." That was all I said. That was all I needed to say.
And then I died.
James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
I didn't feel any different, but I had a strength I did not have before. I continued to struggle with pornography until the fall of 2009 (I was healed from that addiction August of 2009, praise God! I tried watching one show sense and after 5 minutes I was so sick I could not continue... yes, it is possible to be freed from sexual strongholds!). My hope strengthened as time passed and I experienced many outward changes in my life because I was honoring God.
Some of the changes were: weight loss, forming healthy friendships, getting and holding various jobs, starting college, social/spiritual/physical/emotional maturation, and I was led to Tulsa, OK to live with a woman and her son for two years. Ali and Donovan. They became my family. I was 17 when I moved in with them. Ali treated me as a daughter. We are still very close, though we don't talk as often as we both would prefer due to the busyness of life.
Ali modeled "womanhood" for me. I can't describe it any other way. She was confident, independent, self sufficient, organized, loving, feminine, sexy, and fierce! Ali is so much of who I wanted and want to be. I treasure her and I treasure the time I was able to spend with her!
My Mom and I didn't talk for nearly two years. Ali was instrumental in encouraging me (and making me) heal in the relationship with my mother. God has sense healed the relationship between my Mom and I and we are actually very close now! A miracle.
When I was in Tulsa, I was prophesied over. A girl prayed for me and told me a message from God, "God says that your Dad will be given a job. The enemy will be forced to repay everything He has stolen from you and your family a hundred fold for generations to come and you will be blessed."
I have clung to that promise. That promise gave me so much hope to believe and continue on. See things were better, but the financial stress continued to remain overwhelming for years and years. From 2001 until the present day it has not been uncommon for my family (Dad's side) and I to come down to $5-10 in our bank account for long periods at a time (sometimes with or without hope of more income coming in) but God has always provided what when need, when we need it. The financial struggle was a huge contrast from when I was young. We were actually fairly wealthy when I grew up and lived luxuriously.
I moved back to Dallas when I was 19. The "health, wealth, and happiness" message of the charismatic church which taught that if you are in right standing with God and if you have the faith, you should experience health, prosperity, and happiness had me completely burnt out on my relationship with the church (not to be confused with my relationship with Christ). I couldn't understand why I was under so much financial stress, why I was struggling to loose the last 15 lbs, and why I wasn't all that happy when I truly did feel like I loved God as much as I could. I did want to have a better relationship with the Lord, but just kept feeling like I was hitting walls with Him. I was stagnant and bored.
Christian college was really the only answer, right? I mean what could be a better way to spark a passion for Christ and give me an educational foundation for life than to go to college at a Christian university?! Wrong.
Four months, two nervous break downs, and one massive culture shock later, I found myself back in Dallas, living at home, and trying to figure out "what the hell is wrong with me?!" I still to the day have no clue what was wrong with me, ha! Maybe it was just the wrong place at the wrong time, or the right place for the right time?
Either way, during my volte-face, I fell in love the Loudest, Proudest, Fightin Texas Campus... the one and only, Texas A&M University. I moved down to College Station for the next semester, and one of the loneliest semesters I would face during college. It just so happened to be the loneliest semester when I would meet my first love.
When you're just 21 years old, it's easy to base intimacy and a rocket fueled infatuation on whatever floats your boat and my sails were up! Full speed ahead!
"No, thank you. We are dressed in our best and are prepared to go down as gentlemen. But, we would like a brandy." ~ Titanic (1997)
"Courtney, we have been through this time and time again. When are you going to learn?! I am so frustrated and angry! I hurt for you. Courtney, it breaks me heart to say this, but you're on you are on your own with this one."
Tears flooded my eyes. They could streams down my face as heavily as they wanted to...but I wouldn't cry. I couldn't cry. I was determined to give my baby all of me whether I had my Dad's help or not.
"
Ok. You've been here before, you can face it again. Adoption is an option. Abortion could be too... I mean you still have two years of college left! Your boyfriend won't be around forever even if you do keep it. You'll end up alone if you keep it. Alone with a baby working a minimum wage job... the baby will grow up in day care if you keep it... who will marry you with a kid? Someone with another kid? Someone willing to put up with all of your baggage ..probably because they have a lot of baggage themselves...you'll end up divorced or at best, unhappy because of your joint baggage...back to the baby...what will you do?! Think!"
I couldn't think. I was overwhelmed. I decided I wouldn't do abortion, no matter how appealing or convenient or easy it seemed. I believed and do believe life begins and conception and I wouldn't take someone else's life just because I knew I would have to sacrifice the dreams of mine. I have and have never been so scared in my life. The only way I can describe it is feeling completely blank. It's that feeling you get when you stand in a pitch black room and all the sudden the lights are turned on and all conscious thoughts vanish. It's just waking up from the deepest nap of your 5 old life wondering who you are and how you got there. It's hearing, "Are you sitting down? I need to tell you some news...no, it's not good..." It's knowing you better muster something bigger than yourself real fast or completely fall apart, possibly forever.
Even with the stress and the pain and fear, I hoped. I hoped for that little baby because I decided that whether it was going to belong to me or a couple who could love and nurture him/her and provide for him/her, I was determined to sacrifice all of me so that he/she could have all that life could give him/her (yes, even though using "it" would be more grammatically pleasing and probably more liberally appealing, it was a living baby and we will acknowledge that here).
I was surprised by how grief struck I was just one week later when I miscarried. It's funny how deeply you can grieve something you don't even want.
I broke up with my boyfriend about three weeks later. That was excruciating. I felt like I had lost everything. I cried and screamed in my closet until I was to dehydrated to cry and scream and I lost my voice. I just wanted the roof to fall down on me. I knew it was the wise choice though.
"
God, I am so deeply sorry for the way I have lived. I say I am a Christian, but I have not lived like it. I've put $10,000 on my credit card, been having sex with my boyfriend, have turned to nearly anorexic eating, and am a slave to pleasure. Please forgive me. Make me the kind of woman who doesn't just say that she's a Christian, but who lives life like a Christian. Make me the kind of person who not only talks the talk, but walks the walk."
Romans 12:2
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
In an effort to change habits and "detox" from life really, I made some changes. I committed to attend church, I quit reading magazines, quit watching TV, quit listening to any music that didn't reflect God's heart, began reading my bible every day, and took on a mentality of complete, raw, and total honesty. Honestly, I kind of thought if I were completely honest about who I was, the church would hate me and I'd have an excuse to do whatever I would want to do. But the more honest I became, the more my heart changed, the more accountability I had, the more friends I made, and the more I matured in Christ. Scary huh? You should try it.
When you take out something in your life, you have to fill the voids with something else. To replace tv, I started listening to a lot of Christian podcasts. It fulfilled my want for entertainment and it also increased my knowledge, faith, and conviction.
I began dating a guy who I loved in August 2009. We dated a year before becoming engaged. We were engaged for three months before agreeing that we made better friends than lovers. I did love him. I do love him. I learned so much about being a woman in that relationship. I gained a lot of confidence. I also learned a lot about who I don't want to be.
See, in that relationship, I was very controlling, degrading, disrespectful, and demanding. I wasn't thankful and I wasn't a team player. I was selfish and hurtful. I don't regret the relationship and I don't regret the breakup...but I do regret giving my heart at the end. Maybe I had to in order to see the whole picture.
Weeks after the break off of the engagement, I lost my dog. That was a huge low. I agreed to finish college with no drama and no ups or downs...just a normal, easy life. I started a project called, "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" (after Britney Spear's song)Where I outlined nine different dimensions of my life (i.e. physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc.) with different goals within each dimension. Each goal had a plan of action so that I could have steps to work on that would ultimately lead to achieving the goal. I completed almost all of them in just one year and a half. I am currently working on a new project with the same design entitled, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman! (Shania Twain's song is referenced of course). I don't have an end date for that one.
Luke 1:45
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"
The last two years have been delightful and excruciating. I think I'm coming to the realization that every season of life, when well lived will always have a measure of both joy and pain. I strive to embrace the fullness of life with all it's ups and downs. I'm not afraid of the downs because they make the highs that much more beautiful...and if we are being totally honest, even the worst places in life can sometimes have hidden pockets lined with beauty.
God has been my lover and I'm living out the most scandalous love affair with Him. I was a harlot, bound by insecurity, uncertainty, shame, and hate. He loved me... and he kept loving me... even when I fought Him. He pursued me and didn't stop, no matter how much I wanted Him too. Secretly I hoped He wouldn't, though I was compelled to constantly challenge His love for me. Through pain and suffering, He kept loving me and He kept sending people and messaging and acts of kindness and forgiveness and grace until my heart could bare it no longer! I turned to Him, and admitted that I couldn't help but notice. And in that raw, dirty, gritty, tangible sewage of a mess I found myself in, I was captivated by His heart for me. He took me hand and he led me through deliverance. He lead me to life. He didn't just revive me, He renewed me, restored me, and released me! I was made into a person with a different heart, different thoughts, and different desires. It wasn't a fight and it wasn't against my will. He only gave me the change I was ready for, in the timing that I was ready for it.
I was afraid that if I were to fully embrace God and being a "Christian" that I would lose myself... I tell you truth, I found myself! I found life. The person I was before was the illusion of who I thought life could be...but as I said before, I was an empty locust shell of a rock star just chasing the dream. I died. But I was resurrected to anew. And I stand before you today, cleansed from my past, shameless, freed and alive.
I am still a very imperfect work in the process of being perfected in Christ. But I have security because I know He is mine and I am His.
Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
My prayer and hope for you my friend is that you will be filled with the knowledge of the fullness of life that is available to anyone and everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord. Be blessed! Don't be afraid that your journey will look the same as anyone else's journey. We are all unique. We all have an adventure of our own. We all have a beast to conquer. We all have a true love waiting for us. Will you respond to His call of Love? Repent of your sin and of chasing other love affairs. Repent of the hardness that comes from doing life the selfish way. Repent of imperfection, for we all fall short in some way of another... we all fall short of the standard that Perfection has set. But we can all have complete and utter forgiveness no matter who we are or what we have done or what strongholds we have been aligned to. God is more powerful than all that, and the good news is this: God is loving! He wants you, so go to Him.
Titus 2:11-15
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.15 These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.
Psalm 42:1
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.
I would love to hear your story and whether or not my story encouraged you! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and my testimony! I am writing the full story (yes, it's actually much more detailed) in a book and would love your prayer as I go through and edit it. So far, I have been working on it for a year and hope to have the edits finished by December 2014 (I know that's generous...but I know me...).
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