God dialogue

This is a caption from my personal journal that explains and reflects my current status with God. I believe that God actively speaks to us, so I included the words I felt He spoke to me as well. I hope that it serves to show you a glimpse into the Christian struggles, but also a source of hope because God really is completely amazing! 

I am so two sided.

I can be worshipping you one minute and the next lusting or over eating or over spending… all things you have told me not to do.

God, my hypocrisy discourages me. My lack of a desire for you worries me. My inconsistent pursuit of you makes me question my love for you. Still, when I question it, I cannot deny a longing and need for connecting with your heart. I cannot deny a craving for your attention. I have hope for it God. I have hope for intimacy with you. I have hope for knowing you. Sometimes that hope feels more like tissue paper in the rain than strong durable burlap. Why am I so weak God? Why do you still love me even when I have absolutely nothing but needs and requests to offer you?

You’re my strong tower. You keep me safe when the storm comes. The storm is here though, and I feel like a stupid little sheep that cannot find the door to your tower. I feel like I’m wandering around aimlessly and fearfully without hope.

So you will be my shepherd. You pursue me and become my shield. You come to me and quiet my spirit. 

You come upon me and settle in me. How else could I change?! How else could I be saved? There’s nothing in me that naturally desires good. Only your goodness shown to me can grab my attention. Your light draws me so that I can see. Sight means nothing to a blind woman whose never seen. But after seeing for the first time, I know that I need it.

Finding you is like gaining my sixth sense. I was lost and now I’m found and there is no turning back, even through discouragement is imminent, hopelessness is never lost.

I hope that we’ll get through this storm, and I long for the days of smooth sailing that I’m certain are ahead. Until that day comes, I’ll continue to praise you because even though I’m sin, you’re good and you’re perfect! 

You still want me, for reasons I can only understand when I read the verse 2 Timothy 2:13 which states, “ if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” What a powerful reminder that you are LOVE! You are faithful to the end, even when we turn our back on you. You are grace! Glory to you God because what you choose to give us is a complete miracle and only speaks of your character. My instinct longs to repay you and make up for your love. I long to earn it, and I’d endlessly look for ways to try… but I’d endlessly fail.

When I compare myself with your love, I’m found out. I cannot be perfect. I can’t be pure. I can’t be faithful, not completely. I can’t be truthful or trustworthy… no matter how hard I try, I can never be your equal. You are God and I’m sinner.

I suppose that my earning your love, I’d feel justified. I’d feel like my sin would be excused.

You tell us that when you sent Jesus to die for us, we were justified because 

He was completely perfect. He died without deserving any punishment. He conquered death so that we would know that we are free from the curse of constantly having to atone for our sin… He is the atonement!

Why is it so easy for me to dismiss your love sacrifice?

Why is it so comfortable to say to myself, “Yes, God loves you, but… you have to make up for it and prove to Him that you really love Him back the same way?” The truth is, I can’t love you as much as you love me.

I can’t know you the way you know me.

From my side, this is a very immature and selfish relationship. I struggle with that because you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me! You deserve more! You deserve everything!

God: “Well, I have the trinity…. Perfect fellowship between the father, spirit, and son….truly, I don’t ‘need’ you… I just want you, I love you! I have compassion for you and I want you to endure. I want you to finish strong because I want to be present in your life. I love past sin, and I don’t even remember it after you submit to me in repentance because of my love. I don’t want you to be haunted by your past. I want you to move forward in the confidence that you are saved by grace and through love. I want you to know that I’m yours and always will be because I choose to love you endlessly.”

Me: “Will you unharden my heart to your love then?”

God: “Not if that means you want to be created perfect….. you will just have to wait to be perfect, you will mature though. You’re relatively new at all this… just like a baby, you’re going to fall down before you efficiently walk.”

Me: “Will you hold my hand then? So that I won’t be afraid as I get up and try again?”

God: “Always.”

Me: “God, you romance my heart. You’re help is strengthening and encouraging. I’m thankful for you! I’m thankful that you care so much about me, though I don’t understand it completely.”

God: Even the angels don’t completely understand it, but my glory is revealed as they watch sinners hearts turn to me despite their desire for evil. My glory is shown through the darkness when people seek me out and find me (cause I’m always willing to be found). All creation won’t be able to deny goodness because good triumphs over all of this evil. You will see and you’ll be filled with wonder, awe, thankfulness, and joy. These are days to hope for and to look forward to. Get ready though, because it’ll happen sooner than you realize. I’m excited for it!

Me: I can’t wait till we’re all together praising your name! I can’t wait to see you acknowledged by everyone and everything! Darkness will bow before you and be humbled by you because you’re undeniable, even here on earth! You’re goodness quenches the thirsts of the withered souls that hunt for living water. 

You’re words strengthen and encourage my spirit like bread (a high protein bread that is) lifts me up and fills me. Teach me this God diet, so I can quit having so many sugar lows. Too often, I feed on junk food. Too often I turn to alternative sources of nourishment for my soul. I feed upon empty things and then wonder why I question your love for me. I wonder why I can’t trust you anymore. My examples are Hollywood stars who put their security in the tangible and people who turn to thrills to fill the void in the hearts that you are to fill.

I can’t eat candy (or in my case, Netflix/flirting with boys I know I have no business flirting with/mismanaging my money/not eating healthy to comfort myself/ etc) and not expect to feel the rush and then the bonk. I have to eat right and spend my time taking in things that holy, good, pure… like the music I listen to, the people I choose to hang out with, and the ways I choose to spend my time and money. God teach me, I’m willing to humble myself and admit I don’t know it all!

I love you Jesus!