T-Courtney Confession from a Closet Fatty

God,

I’m about as low as I can go. I can’t get up, I don’t desire to keep pushing forward, I want to fail. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to make my own success happen. I’m weak and I’m in need of your strength. I’m tired and I’m in need of your rest. I’m discouraged and I am in need of your comfort. I’m hungry, and am in need of the nutrients that only you are equipped to deliver to my starving body.

I feel your strength welling up inside of me as I wait for you to calm the storms of temptation and apathy. My typical comforts do not console me anymore. I suffer from the symptoms plagued by my idols.

I am broken in more ways than I can describe and weeping doesn’t fix anything. Planning doesn’t fix anything. One minute, I want change and pursue it with the fuel of emotional passion. Instantaneously, I turn around and give up. I return to my comforts like a dog returning to its vomit.

I’m exhausted by my own problems and I know that I have not the strength to be strengthened by. You must be my strength. You are the source of strength. Where else can I go? Who else can I turn to? If I am selfish for asking for help, then call me selfish. I’m selfish for you and you alone. I’m selfish for knowing you. I’m selfish for your comfort. I’m selfish for your glory. If I had your peace, your given prosperity, your love, your strength, you’re desires, and your will… I’d be blessed with all blessings. Without your guidance, I’m cursed. Without your deliverance, I might as well quit hoping, quit trying, and quit investing in anything. Without you, I might as well go to hell. The absence of your presence is my hell.

I’m afraid of failing, and I never cease to try to map you into a formula. You’re not a formula or a how to. You cannot be figured out or manipulated. I can not put my idea of success in your mind and convince you that it is right and just. So, exchange my hopes for your hopes and my dreams for your dreams. Make me over! Make me yours. Make me a reflection of your character that is indescribably described as pure love, true justice, and right according to any weight or measure.

I don’t want to keep saying, “tomorrow I’ll start over”, “Tomorrow I’ll set goals”, “Tomorrow I’ll become _____”… Tomorrow is here. It’s now. I want your will! I want success. I don’t want to be in the dark any more. Bring me into light and expose my heart before my soul. Judge me and heal me. Make me a woman after your heart so that I may be freed in your presence. Create in me a pure heart that longs for your will. I’m tired of playing with the devil and allowing my heart and soul to be captivated by the illusions that he is gifted in enticing me with. I’m tired of investing pleasure in pain, sin, and death. Where does it lead? Who does it draw me to?

“A kiss on the lips, a life on the hips”

That’s the truth.

Give me wisdom so that I can endure past emotions and through the trials. Holy Spirit, equip me in your love because only by your living power in me may I survive and conquer this.

At first I wondered if my desire to lose weight was rooted in vanity and selfishness. Maybe parts of it are. Still, I cannot imagine that you are a God who would allow your daughter to be overcome by a piece of chocolate or a mix of flour and sugar. I cannot imagine that you are a God who would stand by as simple carbs wage war on my soul. Dramatic analogy, possibly… but after 8 years of trying to lose the same 20 pounds I’d say it’s about right. I use food to cope with stress.

Confession of a closet fatty: Last night after work, I at nearly 2,300 calories because I was stressed out about feeling like a failure over not having lost any weight, spending money that I don’t have (that I decided I wouldn’t spend), and frustration over my grades. That’s how I dealt with it. And I stayed up nearly 4 hours past my bedtime to do it!

Want another confession? Before I decided to start typing this very blog, I was actually considering leaving work to go pig out and get pizza. It was in that moment that I thought, “This is like a cocaine addiction”.

I’m shamed by my failure, but I hope for God’s mercy. I hope that God will come to my rescue. I hope one day I can humbly stand before a piece of chocolate cake in my size 4 jeans and 120 lb body and say, “No thank you. I’m just not into that.” And truly mean it. I hope that one day I will look back and be overcome by God’s faithfulness and goodness because he got me there.

I don’t want to be vain and I don’t want to be selfish, but I know that I have a problem and I know that I need God’s help. I’m terrified of admitting this because the more you admit, the less you can hide. The more I expose myself, the less I can justify. The more I come out, the fewer excuses there will be. I’m scared of running out of excuses… but I’m terrified of creating opportunities for myself to create them.

I need you God. I’m willing to wait. Please come to my rescue.