Dolly and Donte's Gardening Adventure

Once there was a little one bedroom apartment in a little town within a big city. In the apartment lived two kittens named Dolly and Donte. Dolly and Donte had  a pet human in addition to a tank full of pet fish that were also good substitutes for dinner and/or boredom, which came often for cats as brilliant as Dolly and Donte.

See, brilliant cats have working minds. Working minded animals must alternate between constant stimulation and deep undisturbed nap times.

After one of her long and undisturbed naps, Dolly woke up one day and thought to herself, “It must be very pleasant outside because the sun is shining, the colors on the leaves are bright, and my human looks like she is ready to go out.” Dolly decided to herself that the human could use a little fresh air, so she went to the glass door that lead to the back porch of the little apartment that sat in the middle of the little town that was encompassed by the big city.

Dolly stood on two legs and put her front paws on the window. She looked around at the human who was busy trying to find something to watch on the mundane TV. Dolly begin to paw at the window. The human noticed but didn’t get up to open the door. So Dolly kept pawing and pawing and scratching and scratching; faster and faster she went until the human laughed, stood up, and opened the door.

“Thank you human”, Dolly said in her most lady like voice just before delicately stepping onto the wood patio.

“WAIT!!!” Donte meowed as he ran past Dolly to get outside.

“Excuse you Donte.” Dolly reminded Donte of the appropriate necessity of manners… but being a young kitten, Donte’s focus on manners was fleeting. He jumped onto the large pot that contained the cool, moist dirt bed for the baby palm tree that his human tried so desperately to save the last fall. Unfortunately for the human, the cold weather had froze the tree into a limp, sad little plant that barely stood crooked.

“Donte, I’ve been thinking…” Dolly waited for his acknowledgement of her segue into a deeper conversation.

Donte was to busy pulling dead leaves off the dead plants that stood lifeless in the pots on the pot shelf.

“Donte, please… this is very serious.”

“I’m listening…” Donte barely whispered through his forest of other ideas.

“Donte, I’d like to take up gardening. I want to dig up that tree immediately. The dirt would make a perfect bed for cat nip and grass and we could make a little place to lay down in the sun… oh Donte, wouldn’t that be fabulous?!”

Donte whipped his head and body around so that he was facing Dolly as a soldier faces his commanding officer before receiving orders, “Can I help dig?!”  

Dolly thought for a moment…and another moment just for a dramatic effect, “Yes Donte. You may HELP dig, but remember, the human will not understand why we are digging up this tree, so we must use discretion about how we go about it.”

The cats began digging feverishly. They dug until the tree fell over and hit the fence!

“What is going on out here?!” the human asked as she peaked her head out of the door to check on the cats.

Dolly and Donte froze.

“Donte… don’t move a muscle. If we don’t move she can’t see us.”

Donte froze as if he had been frozen in the arctic for the last 2 million years. Dolly could swear he quit breathing.

The human walked over to them, “Oh… my tree! You cats have been digging.” The human picked up frozen Donte who didn’t move even one hair, “Oh you’re covered in dirt!” the human complained as she wiped the dirt off his tummy, feet, and sides. She put Donte down in the house and he stood still, frozen.

“Oh Dolly! You two!” As the human began to pick Dolly up, Dolly surprised herself with a slight hiss that quickly turned into a moan. Dolly was perfectly capable of gardening and cleaning herself off… she was no longer a kitten and didn’t care to be discredited as a talented gardener.

“Humans don’t know anything about plants… Dolly complained to Donte as the human sat her down in the little apartment’s living room. “Well, I suppose it’s time for a nap.” Dolly stated.

And that was the story of the time Dolly and Donte decided to garden. 

Almost to the End, Approaching the Beginning

I wish there was a way to take a picture of the circumstances of my life at this moment. I want this circumstantial snapshot in part because I know that I will treasure the memories, I will laugh at the past, and I will smile at who I once was with the wisdom and life experience of whom I’m going to become…. The other reason I want this little remembrance is because hindsight cannot hold the depth of the stress, frustration, anxiety, and complexity of what I am currently facing today. The next best solution is a little journal token that I invite you to enjoy.

Here I am in my last two weeks of college. I’m so exhausted, I almost feel like a zombie most of the time. It’s not just the semester, but the last 6 years that have brought me to this place. The entire time I have been in college (on average of course), I have worked between 15 and 60 hours, worked out 5-6 days a week, taken a full course load (12-15 hrs), maintained a fairly active social life, cooked 95% of my meals, had pets (most of the time), travelled, paid my bills, used a bike as my only form of transportation for the last year (but used it to commute for the last 3), and maintained an A/B/C (for those tough ones) grade average. I have accomplished a lot! I’m tired.

This semester has been unique. I have worked hard!

There are pockets of time where I am on campus in the quiet and a wave of rest comes… and I can’t help but break down. I’m filled with joy, gratefulness, relief, and longing for the bittersweet memories that I know are fleeting and short lived.

For the next two weeks, the campus is mine… after that, it will change. It will still be mine… but I won’t know it in the same way. I won’t have that disgusted familiarity that I’ve grown to hate… yet learned to love and adore. I won’t have to take the same bike route every day. I won’t sit in the same seats in the same rooms of the same buildings. I’ll walk around campus like I did before I got here, knowing that I am no longer a student.

In addition to what I’ve just mentioned, I have two kittens. Yes, I know, that may seem like a mundane fact about my life… but it’s about to blossom into a huge mess. On top of work, school, finals, friends, church, cooking, commuting via bike, and just wanting some time to rest from it all… my precious new kitten has come with ringworm. That’s right… ringworm.

Ringworm is a fungus (not a worm). I almost wish it was  a worm or a parasite or something else though because this fungus is actually exceptionally hardy. Little sores form all over your body and itch (mine hasn’t itched that bad but I have over 60 spots). It can live years in an environment without a host. With treatment and decontamination, you can get rid of it in 2-4 months.

So, I’m taking oral meds, the cats are taking oral meds. I have to “dip” the cats (aka bathe them) in this solution once a week. Just imagine bathing a cat in a solution that smells like rotting eggs…. Dolly ended up on top of my head and Donte left me with some pretty impressive battle wounds all up and down my arms. 

Too bad I can’t say that some wild, untamed man did that… well, I guess it was a wild, untamed, wet, man cat!

In addition to the dip, the cats must live in the bathroom for the next two months and I must deep clean the bathroom 2-3 times/week with bleach. Deep cleaning means ALL surfaces, everywhere and everything that is on the surfaces (if you didn’t know).

Then there is the decontamination of the house.

I have officially washed all the pillows, rugs, slip covers, placemats, clothes, towels, etc. that has come into contact with the cats (basically my entire house). After having to wash all that stuff at the coin machines ($$), 

I have to mist everything I want to keep with bleach. I have officially misted all the laundry, curtains, furniture, carpet, surfaces, and baseboards. I have to do that once a week or so until the ring worm is cleared up.

I’m still not sure if I should clean out my fish tank. I might just bite the bullet and do it… I just don’t want the fish to catch anything.

As far as I go, humans don’t spread it as easily as cats. That’s fortunate. Still, I have to wear pants and long sleeved shirts when I’m in public and I can’t touch anyone. So far I have been successful!

Ok so while all this is going on, I am job hunting (which feels like another job). I am looking for flight attendant jobs and just did my first interview in Houston a couple of days ago. A friend allowed me to use her car and another friend let me spend the night, so God really provided!

I am pretty sure I got the job. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I got my background check, signed my new employee paper work, and got drug tested (so thankful I haven’t done any drugs!).

They tell me I may start my unpaid 4-6 week long training (with no days off during that time) Jan 7^th. I can’t bring the cats… so I will need to figure out what to do with them. Also, I need to find a subleaser for my apartment so I won’t have to pay rent. I think I can afford the unpaid training if I find a subleaser. So I’m actively looking, putting ads online, posting flyers everywhere I find a bulletin board, etc.  

Aside from finals, there is one other aspect of my life that I’m trying to juggle… my graduation/25^th birthday/goodbye party… also in 2 weeks. I’m trying to plan a murder mystery dinner party and unfortunately, I’m having to do it single handedly… I love a party though and I can’t help but seek a special treat since I’m working so hard on everything else.

My relationship with God is better than it has possibly ever been. I’m finding time in the mornings and in the evenings to spend with Him one on one. I love that! All through the day I am full of praise. And in those moments where the stress and pressure wash over me, and I feel like I’m drowning.. He is there comforting me, reminding me that He will help me through all this.

So… I think that sums up my life right now. A very taxing, stressful, joyful, exciting end to an adventure!

Fasten your seatbelts ladies and gentleman, I’m preparing for take off! 

Oh, and yes, I will be a blogging FA! 

Baptism Flyer

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it

Prone to Leave the God I love

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above

Dear Friends, Family, and possibly some strangers!

                Thank you so much for coming to my baptism! In addition to the day that I accepted that Christ, the Son of God is my Savior, this is the most important day of my life. It is the day that I am publically proclaiming to follow Christ. It is the day when I will be truly made accountable for the rest of my life before God and all who witness this sacred event.

          
      If you are a believer, please hold me to the standard that Christ set for us. Pray that Christ will bless me to be a model and example of Himself in everything I do. Pray that He will strongly convict me when I’m not. Pray that I will have courage and confidence in sharing the good news, HE IS ALIVE! HE IS THE HEALER, REDEEMER, FRIEND, and LOVER of the human heart.

                If you do not believe, than know this:

                Christians are no different than you from perfection or “good livings” point of view. We make horrible mistakes that hurt ourselves and everyone around us. The difference between us is that we have been given faith to believe that Christ, who was perfect and without mistakes…without evil… came to save us. We believe that He was murdered in order to fulfill God’s requirement for justice. God required a price to be payed for all the mistakes every person makes, He required a worthy payment for what we call sin, or evil. Jesus was that unblemished, perfect, mistake-less sacrifice. He did not deserve to die… but He volunteered. In doing so, Jesus payed God for our sin.

                I know this is a complicated concept. It would be as if you had committed a crime. You were brought into the court room and the Judge (or God in this case) said, “You have committed a crime. The only punishment I give out is death. Everyone who comes into this court room who has committed any offense receives this punishment.”

You know you’re guilty. Are you perfect? Have you ever told a lie? Even a white lie? Have you ever stolen anything… even as small as a pen or a piece of paper that did not belong to you? You’re not perfect… you’re guilty. You stand before the judge with your heart beating so fast, your hands sweating, your throat closing up… you can’t speak because you know the inevitable is coming.

Suddenly, a man you’ve never met storms into the courtroom! “Stop! I volunteer!!” (Can you tell I’m a Hunger Games fan?!) “I volunteer to take this criminal’s punishment! Look over my life’s record… you will find no fault in me. I don’t deserve this death penalty, But I’ll take it if you will allow the criminal to go free!”

The judge looks over the man’s record with a fine tuned eye for detail. “I find no guilt in your life. I will accept your offer. You will die in place of the criminal who has committed the crime. Because of your unselfish act of love, I will grant you power over my death penalty. If you defeat death, than I will grant every criminal who believes that your sacrifice was just life. I will give them a pardon if you defeat death.”

You stand speechless. How could it be?! You watch as tears well up in your eyes as the guards brutally handle the man who just volunteered to save you. They beat him with clubs and tazor him. They drag his weak, bruised body off to the execution site. You run after…

It’s too late. They have him restrained and are dripping the serum into his arm. As He breathed His last breath He sighs, “It is finished. They will be forgiven their crimes, they will be set free.” And he died.

You scream out! You can’t believe he’s gone!

They unplug Him. You walk into the room… and stand before the body… sobbing for relief… yet sobbing for guilt. You deserved the death you just witnessed. You were guilty. You fall on his chest crying, sobbing as your tears soak the stranger’s shirt.

A hand gently rests upon your back, and a whisper comforts you.

“It is finished, beloved one. You are free.”

It’s the stranger’s voice!! You jerk up, amazed! He gently smiles, “I said I would do it… see, it’s not just you that I defeated death for. It’s not just you that I desired to take the execution for… it’s all of the criminals. Go tell all of the criminals you know about me, so they will know who to go to when they stand before the judge. Tell them so they will know to tell the judge that they know me.” And you do… you tell everyone you possibly can! You will never be the same.

That is exactly what Jesus did for us…. And because I believe, He changed my heart. I am not who I was. I cannot help but share this news, because I have been rescued from death and I have been given a life worth living.

This offer is for you too.

John 3:16-22

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. ¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

                If you have any questions, thoughts, or a story you’d like to share about anything you’ve seen, read, or experienced today please email me/facebook: Courtney Reed: cbreed2@ymail.com

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Day, ToDay: Wednesday

Here is a little synapses of what a typical Wednesday may look like in my world:

Good Morning! I wake up at 5:50am, snooze until 6:00am and then spend the next 30-45 minutes praying, reading the bible, listening to music, and reviewing the plethora of emails I received during the last 8 hours. I rarely respond to them... if you aren't my boss and if you've emailed me, you know that. 

Wasteland of Love

I hold onto you

Hoping the memory will change with time

Hoping something about us could be different

Hoping that through my state of bittersweet reverie

I will become lost forever in a dream I wouldn’t ask to bestir

I would trade all the thrills of life just to lay lifeless holding a picture of your love at one point in our lives in my dreams

I would sacrifice hoping for the next time

For I know it will never come

I will become a cenotaph of the love I once knew, a monument to adorn the grave of my desire

Heartbroken sojourners will look upon me and count themselves blessed

How could they not when they see my ruin?

Without your love, my heart only beats oil

My veins are coated with black tar

My skin becomes like the dust of Dasht-e Kavir

My eyes dry into raisins

My hair remains yellow, but only as yellow as straw… not even fit to eat

My soul and heart, hollow as a locust’s shell

But my mind, fixed on you.

Don’t call my story a tragedy

For it would do my life an injustice to reduce it to just that

Don’t ever speak my name or talk of my love

It cannot be understood through the telling of tales

Don’t mourn and fast and wail for me

Mourning must eventually turn to hope

Fasting will eventually be won by hunger

Wailing will die out as it’s soothed by comfort

Don’t remember my pain and don’t remember me

The song of my heart ceases to beat

The light from which shown from my eyes, onto my lover, extinguished

My breath is pointless, and spent only in vain against my will

Though once Eden I have become a wasteland

Allow me to vanish just as a spray of mist in the heat of the day

Proverbs 7 Anotation

Ok, so the Lord has been really stressing the importance of spending time with him both through meditation and through reading/singing His word lately. I feel totally silly when I sing it instead of just read it, but for whatever reason, I get insight when I sing it and I think that's worth it.

Today I began reading Proverbs 7 and just started making notes about what I learned as I read. I believe the Lord gave me some great revelation as I read through this verse. I hope that the Lord give you even more revelation as you read through this blog. Please share your thoughts, insight, disagreement, agreement, all of the above in a comment either here or on my facebook.

Warning Against the Adulterous Woman

7 My son, keep my words
    and store up my commands within you. Meditate on God’s word
² Keep my commands and you will live; When we obey the commands of the Lord we are freed to live whole lives
    guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. God’s instructions are treasures because they teach us who we are, who He is, and how things work. We learn our purpose and our hearts when we examine Him.
³ Bind them on your fingers;  You use your fingers every day. They are the beginning of most productivity.
    write them on the tablet of your heart. Your heart is the compass of your life.
⁴ Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
    and to insight, “You are my relative.” I just picture wisdom and insight being my best friends always walking around with me. Imagine being able to ask them how to handle different situations anytime I’d like…
⁵ They will keep you from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words. I don’t think this verse is solely talking about the seductive woman, but rather from our heart’s lustful desires. For me, control, money, power, popularity, security, and comfort are some of the first that come to mind. Vanity is another. These are all things that at times seem to whisper promises that can look more appealing than what the Lord has to offer… what power lies! Just typing that causes my heart to break. Though it is true at times, it hurts my heart to think I could sell out so easy and depart so whimsically from the One who conquered my soul and captured my affections… the one who redeemed me from the deepest, foulest bogs of all eternal gloom! (Yes, I stole that from my favorite movie… name it!)

⁶ At the window of my house
    I looked down through the lattice.
⁷ I saw among the simple,
    I noticed among the young men,
    a youth who had no sense.
⁸ He was going down the street near her corner,
    walking along in the direction of her house
⁹ at twilight, as the day was fading,
    as the dark of night set in. This one is interesting. I picture myself on my treasured balcony. My patio has so many plants and I’ve hung things on the walls. It feels so homey and safe. I can go out there and feel like I’m in my own private little retreat. I feel so secure and so relaxed surrounded by my little display of beauty. I cultivate my plants and enjoy my own little area where I can create and make things grow. It’s a safe place. It’s also a place for observation. It overlooks the front yard of my apartment… aka the parking lot where I am free to enjoy watching all the passers-by. From my time on the patio, I’ve been privileged to see my neighbors live life. I’ve observed when they come and go, I have seen how they behave, how they interact, how they live. I don’t have to actually have conversations with them to know that the young man across the street is most likely single and has a dog who he takes out. The woman next to him has at least three children she sees off to school every morning at 7:30am. My upstairs neighbor lives alone, wakes up about 5am, leaves the house about 7-7:30am, returns home at 6pm every evening, and never seems to interact with anyone. You get the idea.. I know how they live.

On a much broader scale, I think this verse is basically setting the scene. As humans we are privileged to observe many different life choices that other humans make.

¹⁰ Then out came a woman to meet him,
    dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. The man of example in this passage secretly walks out when he thinks no one is looking to go hang out with a woman who has stolen his lust. Who hasn’t been there? What are some of your lustful desires? The desire for a relationship has been a very common one in my life. It’s so alluring because I think, “A boyfriend gives me a confidence I don’t have outside of a relationship. I love going out on dates and feeling special. I love having someone to flirt with…” and on and on… But see the selfishness in that? The seduction is in how a boyfriend may serve me and how he may ease my discomfort. I’d rather use a boyfriend to make up for insecurities of my heart than to rely on the Lord. Others may use power, reputation, drugs, money, career, etc.

¹¹ (She is unruly and defiant,
    her feet never stay at home;

¹² now in the street, now in the squares,
    at every corner she lurks.)
¹³ She took hold of him and kissed him
    and with a brazen (bold without shame – she’s unashamed of what she’ll say) face she said:

To me this means lady lust is highly flighty. I know when my focus isn’t on the Lord, I tend to always be onto the next thing. For example.. sometimes I shop not because I need something, but because I’m bored or because I feel insecure about having to go without something I want. I know, it’s shameful. But I do it and the Lord is maturing me in this area (I’m slow to learn though).

I’ll go spend some money and by something I feel I “need” only to realize I need something else and something else and something else… before I know it, I have $50 in my account and rent is due in two weeks! Do you think Lady Lust cares? No, she says, “So you’re out of money… oh girl, I know that’s rough! Let me help… here’s something to take your mind off that pressure… a new diet…”

Lady Lust knows that when I can’t control my spending, I can control my food intake, or my schedule, or how clean my house is. She knows how to work me and keep me continually distracted from the intimacy that I am entitled to enjoy with my Lord. Do you see the evil there? How does she work you? How does she take hold of you and capture your heart with her “kisses”? They may feel good for a moment, but when you’re left with no money, no calories (or having eaten to many in my case at times), to many sexual conquests, unable to pull yourself away from the office because  dealing with the loneliness is unbearable, etc. than is your Lady Lust really all that attractive?

¹⁴ “(Remember this woman is confidently speaking this to those who pursue her)

Today I fulfilled my vows,
    and I have food from my fellowship offering at home. I did some research on the fellowship offering because I wanted to know why Lady lust would give one. Here’s what I found:

 http://www.biblecentre.org/addresses/eb_the_peace_offering.htm

For those of you that are not going to go check it out, the Fellowship Offering, or peace offering was a completely voluntary offering that was optional to give to the Lord. In Leviticus 22 (around vs 20ish) it talks about how it’s for our benefit. Commentaries suggest that the Fellowship offering is also a parallel to the sacrifice Jesus made when he lived and died on the cross – a voluntary offering of peace unto the Lord, which was not required.

Here we see lady lust parading around giving her unrequited offering to please the heart of God…  the word that comes to mind is hypocrite. Do you ever do that? Walk around like you know something about God… like you are so biblical… like you and God are on good terms, while in private, you have another agenda? We have all done it at some point and we all know people who do it. We walk around as if we adore Jesus and are going above and beyond in our spiritual lives to please him, while we are really just bait to be had by those who stray. I’m calling us out as predators.

On the flip side, isn’t that how the enemy of Jesus and the enemy of our hearts works? He makes it look so innocent. He comes to us saying, “Wait, this isn’t a gossip session… it’s a prayer meeting… you’re learning important bits of information about Todd and Gina so you’ll know how to pray for them… by the way, can you believe they don’t use condoms, and she thinks she’s pregnant.. but don’t tell anyone!” All in the name of the Lord.

I tell you the truth, that is not how our God works. We could throw out so many other examples about how Satan and Lady Lust work so hard to mask sin as something innocent or even as something Godly, but I’m sure you can think of creative examples too.

What else does Lady Lust say to the man who goes to her in the shadows:
¹⁵ So I came out to meet you;
    I looked for you and have found you! Notice that he pursued her initially, he went to her home… but she was also out looking for him and she found him.
¹⁶ I have covered my bed
    with colored linens from Egypt.
¹⁷ I have perfumed my bed
    with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. This is highly erotic! This Lady Lust is all set and ready for some… you know. She’s on a mission.
¹⁸ Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
    let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
¹⁹ My husband is not at home;
    he has gone on a long journey.
²⁰ He took his purse filled with money
    and will not be home till full moon.”

²¹ With persuasive words she led him astray;
    she seduced him with her smooth talk. Oh how easy it is to allow the excitement and thrill of temptation to carry us away to our deaths. Have you ever actually prospered from living in sin? Can you think of one instance where enjoying the pleasure Lady Lust had to offer didn’t ultimately lead to heart ache and a huge mess? I have lived a lot of life and I have pursued a lot of desires… sinful desires… and I can honestly say that of all the pursuits that have captured my heart and led me astray, nothing has given me fulfillment or peace. None of them gave me the certainty that I hoped for. None of them assisted in answering the questions I had, “Why am I here? Why was I created? What is my purpose?”

Every time I entered into covenants with lady lust, I ended up feeling lost and crushed. I ended up wondering what was next. I ended up alone and betrayed by the fantasies and hopes that I ran so hard after.

²² All at once he followed her
    like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer^[a] stepping into a noose^[b]
23     till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
    little knowing it will cost him his life. Following lady lust and allowing ourselves to be romanced with her illusions of promise only leads to death. Yes, the truth is heart breaking… but the truth is what sets us free to live life in the safety of the Lord.

Do you think God gives us warnings for the purpose of keeping us from full lives? No! I promise that the Lord gives us warning so we may fully embrace life.

When scuba diving, one must be very careful to not rise to the surface or sink to the depths too quickly because the air in our bodies (in our lungs and blood and muscles) expands and contracts slower than our capability to travel up or down.

If a diver goes to deep to fast he/she may get nitrogen narcosis (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/nitrogen+narcosis) and if you rise to quickly the air in your body will expand and the diver may be susceptible to oxygen toxicity (http://scubadiverinfo.com/2_physiology.html). Both are exceptionally painful and can potentially be fatal if they are severe enough.

If a diver understands how to time their dives so that they rise at the correct rate and lower at the correct rate, they are least likely to get sick and most likely to have a great dive.

If we know God’s laws and follow them according to His design, we are least likely to be hurt or experience unnecessary pain during the course of life and we are enabled to appreciate the entire dive (or our total lives) while making the most of them.

²⁴ Now then, my sons, listen to me;
    pay attention to what I say.
²⁵ Do not let your heart turn to her ways
    or stray into her paths. The choice is ours!
²⁶ Many are the victims she has brought down;
    her slain are a mighty throng.
²⁷ Her house is a highway to the grave,
    leading down to the chambers of death.

Don’t be discouraged by some of these warnings. Be encouraged because the Lord cared enough to give us warning, in such a beautiful analogy. I love you beloved!

Tell me how this verse and blog touches you <3 

Dr. Spine

Ok, so  at some point during the process of my most recent move (the 17^th move of my life to be exact), I injured my back! Now, that’s not to uncommon so don’t flip out and worry for me.

My injury brought me to a chiropractor and those experiences have brought me to blog.

The first time I went to Dr. Spine (what we will call him for the purpose of this blog) he said, “Ok, let’s take a look at that butt! I mean, back.” If you have seen me in person, you know that my ass has an identity of it’s own. It’s pretty big and used to be a source of insecurity, but as I’ve become a woman, I have learned to embrace it. My ass was thankful to be noticed by Dr. Spine.

The first time I went, Dr, Spine worked on me for over an hour (I was there for two hours). I began feeling much better!

The next time that I found myself on the table, Dr. Spine had gas. My face was planted in the table so fortunately he couldn’t see my facial reaction to his poots and cheerful “Oh! Excuse me”s! I didn’t respond which might be rude… but gas isn’t something I like to draw attention to. I get totally awkward around it.

My back continued to feel better and I kept going back. On one of my trips, Dr. Spine learned that I commute solely via bicycle. He asked me to get a different seat and described a cruiser seat. He said, “Can’t you get a seat that is …(and with his hands air-outlined the shape of a large cruiser seat)?”

“Do you mean a big seat?” I asked for clarification.

“Well yea!” He confirmed.

“Look, I know I have a big ass, but I think my seat is alright.”

“Well, don’t you want a bigger seat?”

“No.”

“Hmm.”

“Ya, mine is really comfortable and it’s made of memory foam.”

“You should get a seat that is (and again air drew a very large cruiser seat without saying a word).”

I didn’t respond.

We said goodbye.

The next time I went in for an adjustment was my most recent trip.

While I was on the table in an uber relaxed state I heard Dr. Spine say, “Wow! You look really good today! 

Did you get that different seat?! It doesn’t look like you’re all that out of alignment!”

“No, I didn’t get another seat… I think you’re just a really good chiropractor and I think my spine likes what you do.”

“So you didn’t get that seat…”

I didn’t respond.

“Well…(5 second pause)… let’s think about what you can do with that bike…(another  5 second silence)….You could be a bicycle delivery girl!”

“Ya! I have imagined that several times. I already have a bicycle cart that I use to do my recycling, laundry, and grocery shopping and I am confident I can pull at least 90 pounds.” I managed to moan out from my deeply relaxed state. When I get on that table and he starts adjusting me I feel like a cat. I could just melt into it and never get up. I’m sure I’d eventually have to because I’d get hungry but oh my!!

“You could work as one of those people who rides a bike in a gym!”

“You mean a spin instructor?”

“Ya! That’s what I mean.” He agreed.

When I realized that he was actually trying to make bicycle career suggestions after I added, “Ya, I’m very interested in getting certified to instruct fitness and would love to incorporate a fitness regime into my career as a therapist one day.” I had just explained that I was interested in becoming a therapist moments before getting on the table.

As interesting as my adventures have been at Dr. Spine’s office, I must say, I really enjoy going and I like him a lot too!

A Conversation with my Savior

Many times when I talk with God, I do it in a journal. I feel when I put my thoughts on paper I can think so clearly. I also appreciate being able to look back and remember where I have been, what I was thinking, and how I got through different times of my life. I also wait and allow God to respond to me (I'll write another blog about how I feel God speaks to me a different day). For the purpose of this blog, I wrote the words I felt God say to me in italics. I think that helps to separate my words from His. Even if it may seem I'm psychotic and totally off my rocker, I do hope that if God speaks to you as you read what I believe he said to me, you'll see that we can have very intimate personal conversations in prayer with the Lord. I pray that as you read, if it be God's will, that something inside of you will ignite and think, "Wow, maybe God really does want to have an open and personal relationship with me?" If this conversational pattern is similar to what you and the Lord already have, I hope it is encouraging and edifying to you to see a glimpse into my prayer life. 

This is a very intimate portion of my heart but I think it's a very important part of my life to share occasionally because I want to model my prayer life before others. I want people to see and realize that it's ok to have a heart to heart with the Lord and it's ok to listen with an open heart too and have confidence when you feel He may be speaking. If you're not sure if it's God or if it's you saying something than talk with another Christian about it to see if they have any input. 

So having said all that, here's my journal:

I am really in a place where I feel I want a man in my life so much that my skin could crawl. It’s funny how just two days ago I was so happy to be single. All week I’ve felt as though I’m so content and satisfied and in love with just God. Then last night came around and I felt so lonely and bored. I felt so discouraged and hopeless for the future. 

Today I sit at home barely even able to talk with Him.

What’s going on? Open up with me.

I don’t even know where to start.

Just talk. I’m her to listen.

God, sometimes I feel as though I just can’t speak to you or even face you.

Why do you think that is?

My sin. I’m so disappointed that I can’t just do it alone. I’m disappointed that I can’t just get my act together and then present myself to you. I suppose parts of me want to be so pure and perfect so that the burden won’t fall on you to always be refining me.

Cast all your burdens and fears on me.

Just when you say that I feel so at peace.

I want my peace to be with you.

I’m ashamed of my weakness. It’s constant I never cease needing you more.

Don’t you think I designed you with that in mind? No one is like me. No one can understand me. Do you think I’m looking for an equal? I didn’t need to make you. I created you with weakness and I have taught you that I am the One with strength. You don’t have to fear my strength though because 

I adore you and have adopted you as my child. You can rest assured that I am your Father, Friend, and Allie.

What other response can I give but to worship you for being so good to me?

Lord, I fall down and go so low more times than I care to even begin trying to count. My depravity follows me with a darker cast than my own shadow in the bright of day. My emotions flutter as a feather does when a gentle breeze blows in the cool of the afternoon. And my fears are the fuel that ignites my engines. Please do not look at me. I know that the moment you do, all you will see is my own humiliation. When you gaze upon the woman you created, you will realize she’s traded glory and beauty for shame and a body/heart covered in self inflicted scars. I fear you will see what I have become and completely reject me. It’s easier to ask you to forget me than it is to risk the rejection that I know I deserve. It’s easier to accept that I will live out the remanding portion of my life calloused and dead of spirit than to hope for a joy that seems so distant, I can’t even define what it may look like. Do not look upon me. Do not see who your lover has become.

I will look and I will see. I will chase after you, though you are clothed in shame. I will pursue you, though you hid your heart from Me. I will embrace you, though you have fallen into a pit of shit. I see the pain, I see the scars, I smell the stench from where you came…. But I call you my own. I call you, Heart of my Own Heart. I call you beloved. I call you daughter. When I see you, compassion and mercy overwhelm me. When I hold you, my heart rips open for I have longed for your embrace. Though you are broken, I will have you again. And when I fix you and heal you, you will see that you will become stronger than you were before. When I kiss you and bath you, your heart will rejoice because you will know my power and my unending love. How could I invest so fully into you? How could I choose you despite all you’ve done? How could I respond to you, though you’ve hurt me with your sin? I can because I am. I can because I am faithful though you are faithless. I will because I am Redeemer. I must because I am Love. My glory will be made known by the testament of your story. Hearts will turn and see who I AM because of your deliverance. Though you may fall down a hundred times and though you may be slow to embrace me, I have chosen you to be a righteous representation of my heart’s desire for my people. You are my beloved, my daughter, my little lamb. I will never cease to love you. 

Ok so this next one is pretty silly. I LOVE listening to Lady Gaga but frequently find myself analyzing her lyrics and disagreeing with me. I frequently sing songs to God and began singing some of my own lyrics to the tune of Lady Gaga's Bad romance. I had fun doing it and decided to rewrite the whole song. Here's what I came up with... ;-)

Summer Update!

Ok, so I know that as far as blogging goes I've completely fallen off the planet all summer and basically all spring. So here's my little update:

Spring rocked and I finished well...

Summer was long and boring. I spent it working and taking Sign Language 1 & 2...

I really enjoyed learning to sign! I hope to continue learning over the next year. I met a man through the class who ended up giving me all the materials I need to complete the 3rd and 4th course at home! He also gave me a 55 gallon fish tank complete with a pump, fish tank decor, and fish. I find the tank so soothing. 

Another interesting thing that happened this summer was that I became a mother. I was sitting outside of the SCC when it happened. I was talking with the supervisor outside when I heard rustling in  the bushes. I looked down to find a baby kitten. My supervisor suggestion I keep it but I said, "No, that would be irresponsible." The group playing frisbee golf that came by suggested I keep it. I said, "No, that would be irresponsible." A guy in the group said it was a gift from God and I really should keep it. I replied, "If this kitten is a gift from God, it'll follow me home and I'll keep it." 

That night as I was setting up the new litter box, make shift cat bed, and fancy feast dinner in the guest bathroom down stairs, I really wondered if it was all just circumstance. I prayed, "God, I'd love a kitten but I really don't think I can afford it. I'm going to take it to the vet tomorrow to see if I can adopt it out. If you want me to have this cat, then give it to me... if not, then please bless it's little life."

I spent 4 hours the next day going from vet to vet only to be told, "Wow! You should keep that cat! Ya'll have great chemistry." and "We don't take cats, wouldn't you make a good match for her?" I put an ad on Craigslist with no luck. A friend came by to look at her only to say, "You know, I love this cat but I don't think she is for me... you should keep her!" 

Finally, my friend Christine picked her up and dropped her off at AFCAT (Aggie Ferrell Cat Association at TAMU). She went by my house when I was at work. I was sad to know the kitten wouldn't be there when I got back, but felt responsible for doing the right thing.

An hour or so later Christine called me. She told me that the vet techs remembered me and the cat and that she and the techs all agreed that the cat and I had an undeniable chemistry. I explained that I really couldn't afford to spay and vaccinate the cat. She said, "Would you be upset if I pay for the cat to be spayed and vaccinated for an early birthday present for you?" I burst into tears of joy! I couldn't believe that after all that trying to get rid of the cat she would really be mine. I took it as a confirmation that God was blessing me with a pet and I rejoiced!

I wanted to name the cat something feminine, soft, and sweet. I searched for names that meant, "God's Gift" and settled on Dolly....

This cat is so perfect for me! She is a very emotional cat and loves attention. She is vocal and follows me wherever I go. She loves riding in cars and plays very gently. She so so sweet. I am also fortunate because I can leave her all day and not feel guilty about it. I also think that if my dreams come true and I become a flight attendant, she will be able to handle me traveling. 

All summer I lived with a girl who I really didn't get along with (although, I think she didn't like me more than I didn't like her... but that's ok). I was so grateful when I moved out and into my own apartment. 

Living alone has been a welcomed change. I can walk around naked whenever I want, I can sing loudly at night or anytime, I can be messy or as clean as I want, and it gives me a chance to really be alone. Something about the loneliness of being alone really draws me to the Lord. 

I'm always amazed how I can feel as though nothing is happening in my walk with Christ... only to look back and realize that I've traveled miles away from where I started. That has how this summer has been. It's like setting sail on an open sea. I can only see a vast endless sea in front of me... but when I gaze in the direction from where I came, I realize that the land I once called home becomes nothing but a small spec in the distance.

My heart is filled with hopes for my upcoming and final semester at A&M. I am more than thankful to be ending my undergraduate career, but there's a bittersweet longing inside of me that whispers, "Wait... I'm not ready." I don't put my security in my accomplishments or in my hopes for the future, I place my security in the Lord who is the compass of my life.

Lord, where will we go next?

My Admissions Letter to TAMU

Courtney Reed

Admissions Paper

UIN:

August 28, 2009

I believe that in order to fully develop character, integrity, compassion and love for others, a person must be stretched and grown through experiences and trials. I have been tested and pushed past limits that I did not know I had, many times throughout my life. And because of God’s love and grace, I have used the pain and battles as stepping stones to becoming the person I have wanted to be.

            Throughout elementary school, I battled severe depression. By my fourth grade year, I had been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Seasonal depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had ups and downs socially and never got very involved in school or with friends. My passion was horses!

            I began riding horses as a form of therapy to help deal with my depression. It was my escape. Art, music, animals, and the outdoors gave me the sense of accomplishment and responsibility that I craved and the structure that I desperately needed.

            Eventually, my depression and mood swings spiraled out of control. I was a danger to myself and others, so at the age of fourteen, I went away to a long term treatment center in Provo , Utah . It was in Utah that I received the treatment needed to save my life. My family was extremely supportive, and for the first time, I developed a personal relationship with Christ.

            In Utah , I excelled in my therapy, made friends, developed a positive self esteem, and realized, “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. I felt invincible the day I graduated from my program with the highest achievable level. I was so proud. Unfortunately, pride always goes before the fall. 

            Two weeks after coming home, Mom left Dad without warning. My world, my hope, and my heart were crushed. The dream of being the cute high school cheerleader who makes good grades, has the warm cozy home, and the hot quarter back boyfriend was quickly replaced by anti social behavior, failed classes, a run down apartment, and no hope for anything more.

I quickly fell into the wrong the crowd and my heart became hardened by anger. I hated my circumstances and myself so much. I began skipping school constantly and hanging out with a really rough crowd. I saw how much it hurt my family and the people who loved me, but I didn’t care. For six months, I dove deeper and deeper into a lifestyle of sex and lies. I gained 90 lbs over the course of that year.

            Finally, my Dad intervened. He reminded me that God has called us to a higher purpose and that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love or his love. My heart was pierced by the words he spoke to me and a new hope for the life that I have dreamed of was ignited once more. We moved to Scottsdale , Az in order to start over.

            Starting over wasn’t as easy as it sounds. My old pattern of behavior crept into our moving van. Nearly a year later, I came home one night after sneaking out with a guy I barely knew. I remember looking at my runny make up in the bathroom mirror, and realizing what I had become. I stared at myself and wondered how a girl like me could turn into the type of girl I had always felt sorry for and looked down on. In that moment I realized that if I didn’t make huge changes, I would never have an education, a man who really loves me, I’d never be the mother I wish I had, and I’d be giving up. I was at a fork in the road of life. I was faced to choose between life and death. I put a star on that November 4, 2004 day on my calendar and prayed, “God I can’t promise I’ll be any different tomorrow, in fact, I am not sure I even want to be. I know you see how miserable I am and if anyone could change me you can! If you want me, take me.” And he did.

            One day turned into a week, then a month, then a year. I rekindled my relationship with Christ, met friends, lost 80 lbs, and I got involved in school and church. At age 17 I moved to Tulsa , Ok to live with a family friend named Ali. Ali became like a mother to me over the next two years. It was very difficult to be apart from my Dad, but I grew so much during that time. I learned to love my real Mom again and I forgave her for leaving and for her abusive behavior. I completely took myself off all medication for the bipolar and depression (and learned to fully use my coping skills – I’ve been successfully off meds for over 4 years). I also started dating, fell in love with God, and got a GED. After a year in the restaurant and retail industry, I decided college is definitely up my ally!

            During the last two years, I have moved around some and traveled a lot! I tried attending Liberty University in Lynchburg , Va for a semester, but quickly realized that Texas A&M is where I desperately want to graduate from.

             My dream is to start a treatment center for women where they will have a chance

to experience physical, emotional, and spiritual healing while discovering, refining, and pursuing their passions in the process. I want to use art, music, and lots of animals in the program too. I want my own life to stand as a model for people without hope, who don’t think they can be happy and healthy because I have seen God’s power in the lives of the hopeless. I want them to see that anything is possible, if they are willing to work hard, trust God, and keep moving forward.

In order to do this, I have chosen to seek a double degree Psychology. Eventually I will seek a Masters in Counseling followed by a PHD in Psychology. My heart is so passionate about sharing the good news about what God has done in my life, and what He can do in everyone’s life if they open themselves to Him.

A&M has my heart; please allow it to educate my mind! I remember visiting my sister (who is also apply for spring ’10) and seeing the monument. Just walking around campus and watching the Corps do drills was so interesting! Learning about all of the traditions fascinated me! Over the last month, I have become an employee at the West Campus Library and computer lab. I bike to work from my house simply because I love being on campus so much! The community and unity that unites the Aggies is something I long to be a part of for the rest of my life.

            Hopefully, my story has given you a better idea of who I am and encouraged you because, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20

            Nothing would make more proud then to proudly wear the Aggie ring and graduate with my psychology degree. God bless, Gig ‘Em Ags and Beat the HELL out of Texas !

God's Love Letter to Us

This was forwarded to me and I just can't not share...

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32
I

f you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

If your father and mother forsake you, I will take you up...
Psalms 27:10

You are loved...
John 3:16

You are forgiven...
Acts 10:43

You are precious...
Luke 12:24

You are beautiful...
Isaiah 61:3

You are mine...
1 Chronicles 29:11

Day, ToDay: Saturday

I woke up with the worst allergies! I felt like I had strep throat. I was not looking forward to going into work. I thought to myself, "If I have to wake up early to go to work on a Saturday, then I am just not going to wear a bra!" One bra and three layers later, I was ready to head downstairs and fuel up on coffee.

After I had made my pot of coffee and packed my bag, I got a text from my boss...

Needless to say I was a little irked. There would be no possible way for me to go back to bed after already having woken up (I'm a very light sleeper and I am incapable of taking naps unless I'm 110% unfunctionally exhausted or sick).

So, in response, I went to a coffee shop to catch up on my magazine reading. I put on my "paparazzi glasses" and hit the road.

As the day drew on, I got sicker and sicker. I felt like I wanted to die. I came home and spent about 7 hours watching tv and breathing in steam from my water boiler. I really don't take medication unless I must so the steam usually does what I hope it will.

After much steam breathing and blog reading, I got a craving for dougnuts. I just went to the store in my pajamas... despite my prejudice outlook on people who publically wear pajamas. I felt like a total hypocrit. I couldn't resist capturing the moment though:

I came home and got in bed...