A Conversation with my Savior

Many times when I talk with God, I do it in a journal. I feel when I put my thoughts on paper I can think so clearly. I also appreciate being able to look back and remember where I have been, what I was thinking, and how I got through different times of my life. I also wait and allow God to respond to me (I'll write another blog about how I feel God speaks to me a different day). For the purpose of this blog, I wrote the words I felt God say to me in italics. I think that helps to separate my words from His. Even if it may seem I'm psychotic and totally off my rocker, I do hope that if God speaks to you as you read what I believe he said to me, you'll see that we can have very intimate personal conversations in prayer with the Lord. I pray that as you read, if it be God's will, that something inside of you will ignite and think, "Wow, maybe God really does want to have an open and personal relationship with me?" If this conversational pattern is similar to what you and the Lord already have, I hope it is encouraging and edifying to you to see a glimpse into my prayer life. 

This is a very intimate portion of my heart but I think it's a very important part of my life to share occasionally because I want to model my prayer life before others. I want people to see and realize that it's ok to have a heart to heart with the Lord and it's ok to listen with an open heart too and have confidence when you feel He may be speaking. If you're not sure if it's God or if it's you saying something than talk with another Christian about it to see if they have any input. 

So having said all that, here's my journal:

I am really in a place where I feel I want a man in my life so much that my skin could crawl. It’s funny how just two days ago I was so happy to be single. All week I’ve felt as though I’m so content and satisfied and in love with just God. Then last night came around and I felt so lonely and bored. I felt so discouraged and hopeless for the future. 

Today I sit at home barely even able to talk with Him.

What’s going on? Open up with me.

I don’t even know where to start.

Just talk. I’m her to listen.

God, sometimes I feel as though I just can’t speak to you or even face you.

Why do you think that is?

My sin. I’m so disappointed that I can’t just do it alone. I’m disappointed that I can’t just get my act together and then present myself to you. I suppose parts of me want to be so pure and perfect so that the burden won’t fall on you to always be refining me.

Cast all your burdens and fears on me.

Just when you say that I feel so at peace.

I want my peace to be with you.

I’m ashamed of my weakness. It’s constant I never cease needing you more.

Don’t you think I designed you with that in mind? No one is like me. No one can understand me. Do you think I’m looking for an equal? I didn’t need to make you. I created you with weakness and I have taught you that I am the One with strength. You don’t have to fear my strength though because 

I adore you and have adopted you as my child. You can rest assured that I am your Father, Friend, and Allie.

What other response can I give but to worship you for being so good to me?

Lord, I fall down and go so low more times than I care to even begin trying to count. My depravity follows me with a darker cast than my own shadow in the bright of day. My emotions flutter as a feather does when a gentle breeze blows in the cool of the afternoon. And my fears are the fuel that ignites my engines. Please do not look at me. I know that the moment you do, all you will see is my own humiliation. When you gaze upon the woman you created, you will realize she’s traded glory and beauty for shame and a body/heart covered in self inflicted scars. I fear you will see what I have become and completely reject me. It’s easier to ask you to forget me than it is to risk the rejection that I know I deserve. It’s easier to accept that I will live out the remanding portion of my life calloused and dead of spirit than to hope for a joy that seems so distant, I can’t even define what it may look like. Do not look upon me. Do not see who your lover has become.

I will look and I will see. I will chase after you, though you are clothed in shame. I will pursue you, though you hid your heart from Me. I will embrace you, though you have fallen into a pit of shit. I see the pain, I see the scars, I smell the stench from where you came…. But I call you my own. I call you, Heart of my Own Heart. I call you beloved. I call you daughter. When I see you, compassion and mercy overwhelm me. When I hold you, my heart rips open for I have longed for your embrace. Though you are broken, I will have you again. And when I fix you and heal you, you will see that you will become stronger than you were before. When I kiss you and bath you, your heart will rejoice because you will know my power and my unending love. How could I invest so fully into you? How could I choose you despite all you’ve done? How could I respond to you, though you’ve hurt me with your sin? I can because I am. I can because I am faithful though you are faithless. I will because I am Redeemer. I must because I am Love. My glory will be made known by the testament of your story. Hearts will turn and see who I AM because of your deliverance. Though you may fall down a hundred times and though you may be slow to embrace me, I have chosen you to be a righteous representation of my heart’s desire for my people. You are my beloved, my daughter, my little lamb. I will never cease to love you.