Friday, September 30, 2011

I woke up today at 11:02am. I left my phone at the grocery store last night and had no alarm. This was the first day in over two weeks that I woke up feeling rested. My heart is so whole. 

I haven't done anything productive except make coffee, start a load of laundry, and eat french toast. 

The sun is out and the heat is comfortable. 

If I were a wild horse, I wouldn't be any more free than I am in this moment. 

I miss this feeling. It's the same feeling you used to feel on Saturday morning before your parents woke up. I remember waking up, laying in front of the tv and watching cartoons. Then whenever I felt like it, I'd eat breakfast and play the day away. There were no appointments, no business clothes, no assignments, no pressure to act or be a certain way. I just was. And I was so happy! 

Just as I write, Frank Sanatra's Young at Heart began playing on my Pandora station. It's Michael Bublee day on Pandora you know. 

I miss life always being so free. Of course, I love the challenge of accomplishing and growing and making things happen. I’m thankful for pockets of time where I may escape from “the real” world and into my special neverland where this magical relaxation never ceases to happen.

I’m so blessed and grateful for this opportunity in the middle of test season to escape the stress, escape the fear, escape anxiety, escape pretending to be smart, and escape actually being smart. Here in this place, I’m free, innocent, content, joyful Courtney.

If my life were a movie I would think this would be a muted out part accompanied by some bitter sweet song like, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and I’d be in slow motion…. Mmm. I like that thought.

Outside, I can see the blue bird chasing some other birds. This is just a fabulous day! I love not having a phone! 

Please Don't Stop that Music!

I love music! When I listen to it, I feel as though my soul is expressed in a way that I am not equipped to verbalize. I wonder if music causes the neurons in your brain to respond in the same way that other addictive substances do? It would be interesting to look into on a different day.

Some people argue against music because it does have so much power of the human psych. True, a song can sway even the most enduring of minds under the proper conditions. A song can break you down, build you up, give strength, plant hope, comfort, and a song can at times be one’s only companion when facing grief. Songs produce joy and express indescribable emotions.

If I had to say I have an addiction to something, music would be the thing. As soon as I admit my love affair, my first thought turns to God. Do I love my God more than I love my music or do I use my music as a substitute for the intimacy that I long for with my Lord?

Why do my convictions always find me in my ecstasy? Truly, if I never heard another song again, I’d be more entranced by the rhythm of my God’s love than any serenade I’ve ever been romanced or captivated by.

Even still, I’m pretty sure God likes music too. Otherwise He would never have admitted that he dances over us in Zephaniah. He would have never told us to write songs to Him. He would not admit that he enjoys it.
I love my sweet Jesus, and I’m so blessed by the music that He has enabled us to create and enjoy before Him :D.  

Thursday, September 22, 2011

One more thought

Well, of course, I couldn't write a sad break up poem and not follow up with some hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA&NR=1

At first, I was thinking, "Why are they in a grocery store? This is weird." Then I realized, "Oh it's actually really cool cause you never know when you'll meet that special person who you just haven't met YET :-P

Still a year and a half to go on my no dating fast. I can't help but hope that God will pursue my heart the way I want a lover to. I know He does, frequently. I'm actually so spoiled to Him and I should not take him for granted.

God romanced me today with His peace. I've been so tired, and God filled me with peace despite my test. I loved having my home group to my house and I got to cook. I'm so encouraged to know so many amazing friends! I'm so blessed to have such a great job! I'm healthy and God is giving me so much grace in school! How and why did I become so fortunate?

I do look forward to loving again and having someone love me, but until that day comes, I'll be content and I'll rest in God.

To end, I'm excited to say that I've gone from:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlV7RhT6zHs&ob=av3e

To:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg&ob=av2e

And it's very:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=booKP974B0k&ob=av3e

I'm not kidding... I'm a total Ligress in the most estrogen/progesterone educed way. It's such a cool feeling!

My Heart Misses You

My heart misses you
I miss your smile
I miss knowing that you would always hold me
I miss lighting up when you came around just because you were around
I miss knowing you and having you know me
I miss our secrets
I miss being able to talk without saying a word
My heart misses you
My heart misses unlocking the mystery of your soul
I miss always being so surprised by discovering who you are
But always being satisfied with my discovered treasure
I miss knowing that I was the only one who knew you
Now, I wonder who else does, who else has, and who else will
I miss crying on your shoulder
It was so strong, and it was my hiding place
I miss feeling that when I went to you, I was completely safe from anyone, anything, or any unfortunate event
The world could fall apart and I’d still be flying so high because I had your heart
But now, I’m just me and you’re just you
I miss believing that everything would be alright, through any and ever fight
Miss holding out hope for our future
And building our dreams as high as our imaginations would reach
I miss the security of knowing I had the world at my finger tips because I had your heart as my embrace
I miss the past and I miss your love
I would never go back to claim it
Like a flower in the heat of the summer sun it has faded away
But wasn’t it beautiful?
It was so fragile, yet it withstood storms and seasons
But like all seasons, it too had it’s passing moments
And now it’s gone
And my heart misses your heart
I miss our last kisses
The way you held me
When you’re love, you truly believe no one else has ever felt such chemistry or depth
I miss the fantasy of being the only two people in the world
I miss your heart
My heart misses you

Monday, September 19, 2011

Chocolate Love Addiction

After I lost my Dog, Starlit and after I lost my fiance, chocolate just seemed to be on my mind constantly. In fact, there was a bout a week or so that I spent eating chocolate constantly! I gained nearly 15 lbs! Yikes!

Well, it turns out that when you are in love, your bran releases a chemical called phenylethylamine, which is similar to amphetamine (highly pleasurable, highly addictive). When you loose someone you are in love with, you go through a major withdrawl phase! Talk about a crash!

In response to the withdrawls, your body looks for ways to get your phenylethylamine high back... one of those ways is chocolate (which contains amounts of phenylethylamine).

If you're love has been lost, maybe this knowledge will prevent you from reaching for the oh so amazing sweet stuff and you'll find your phenylethylamine kick else where :-P

Sex Dreams... Sex Nightmares!

So this week in my Human Sexuality class is Hermaphrodite week. When I haven’t been emerged in parasympathetic and sympathetic processes and responses, I have been reading all about people who have sex chromosome disorders.

Last night I had this horrible dream that I was a hermaphrodite! I discovered that I had a penis! Coincidently, I happened to be at a party full of men who wanted to marry me. Also, I was (for whatever reason) completely naked. Don’t ask why I decided to go to a party where I’d meet my husband completely naked…

Anyway, I realized I had a penis after I got to the party and after I realized I was naked. It was the scariest dream I’ve had in months and months! Thank goodness it was a funny scary dreams :-P Note to self, if I find myself at a party full of men who want to marry me, bring clothes… and wear them… and check to confirm I’m still all women :-P

Saturday, September 10, 2011

God dialogue

This is a caption from my personal journal that explains and reflects my current status with God. I believe that God actively speaks to us, so I included the words I felt He spoke to me as well. I hope that it serves to show you a glimpse into the Christian struggles, but also a source of hope because God really is completely amazing! 

I am so two sided.

I can be worshipping you one minute and the next lusting or over eating or over spending… all things you have told me not to do.

God, my hypocrisy discourages me. My lack of a desire for you worries me. My inconsistent pursuit of you makes me question my love for you. Still, when I question it, I cannot deny a longing and need for connecting with your heart. I cannot deny a craving for your attention. I have hope for it God. I have hope for intimacy with you. I have hope for knowing you. Sometimes that hope feels more like tissue paper in the rain than strong durable burlap. Why am I so weak God? Why do you still love me even when I have absolutely nothing but needs and requests to offer you?

You’re my strong tower. You keep me safe when the storm comes. The storm is here though, and I feel like a stupid little sheep that cannot find the door to your tower. I feel like I’m wandering around aimlessly and fearfully without hope.

So you will be my shepherd. You pursue me and become my shield. You come to me and quiet my spirit. 

You come upon me and settle in me. How else could I change?! How else could I be saved? There’s nothing in me that naturally desires good. Only your goodness shown to me can grab my attention. Your light draws me so that I can see. Sight means nothing to a blind woman whose never seen. But after seeing for the first time, I know that I need it.

Finding you is like gaining my sixth sense. I was lost and now I’m found and there is no turning back, even through discouragement is imminent, hopelessness is never lost.

I hope that we’ll get through this storm, and I long for the days of smooth sailing that I’m certain are ahead. Until that day comes, I’ll continue to praise you because even though I’m sin, you’re good and you’re perfect! 

You still want me, for reasons I can only understand when I read the verse 2 Timothy 2:13 which states, “ if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.” What a powerful reminder that you are LOVE! You are faithful to the end, even when we turn our back on you. You are grace! Glory to you God because what you choose to give us is a complete miracle and only speaks of your character. My instinct longs to repay you and make up for your love. I long to earn it, and I’d endlessly look for ways to try… but I’d endlessly fail.

When I compare myself with your love, I’m found out. I cannot be perfect. I can’t be pure. I can’t be faithful, not completely. I can’t be truthful or trustworthy… no matter how hard I try, I can never be your equal. You are God and I’m sinner.

I suppose that my earning your love, I’d feel justified. I’d feel like my sin would be excused.

You tell us that when you sent Jesus to die for us, we were justified because 

He was completely perfect. He died without deserving any punishment. He conquered death so that we would know that we are free from the curse of constantly having to atone for our sin… He is the atonement!

Why is it so easy for me to dismiss your love sacrifice?

Why is it so comfortable to say to myself, “Yes, God loves you, but… you have to make up for it and prove to Him that you really love Him back the same way?” The truth is, I can’t love you as much as you love me.

I can’t know you the way you know me.

From my side, this is a very immature and selfish relationship. I struggle with that because you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me! You deserve more! You deserve everything!

God: “Well, I have the trinity…. Perfect fellowship between the father, spirit, and son….truly, I don’t ‘need’ you… I just want you, I love you! I have compassion for you and I want you to endure. I want you to finish strong because I want to be present in your life. I love past sin, and I don’t even remember it after you submit to me in repentance because of my love. I don’t want you to be haunted by your past. I want you to move forward in the confidence that you are saved by grace and through love. I want you to know that I’m yours and always will be because I choose to love you endlessly.”

Me: “Will you unharden my heart to your love then?”

God: “Not if that means you want to be created perfect….. you will just have to wait to be perfect, you will mature though. You’re relatively new at all this… just like a baby, you’re going to fall down before you efficiently walk.”

Me: “Will you hold my hand then? So that I won’t be afraid as I get up and try again?”

God: “Always.”

Me: “God, you romance my heart. You’re help is strengthening and encouraging. I’m thankful for you! I’m thankful that you care so much about me, though I don’t understand it completely.”

God: Even the angels don’t completely understand it, but my glory is revealed as they watch sinners hearts turn to me despite their desire for evil. My glory is shown through the darkness when people seek me out and find me (cause I’m always willing to be found). All creation won’t be able to deny goodness because good triumphs over all of this evil. You will see and you’ll be filled with wonder, awe, thankfulness, and joy. These are days to hope for and to look forward to. Get ready though, because it’ll happen sooner than you realize. I’m excited for it!

Me: I can’t wait till we’re all together praising your name! I can’t wait to see you acknowledged by everyone and everything! Darkness will bow before you and be humbled by you because you’re undeniable, even here on earth! You’re goodness quenches the thirsts of the withered souls that hunt for living water. 

You’re words strengthen and encourage my spirit like bread (a high protein bread that is) lifts me up and fills me. Teach me this God diet, so I can quit having so many sugar lows. Too often, I feed on junk food. Too often I turn to alternative sources of nourishment for my soul. I feed upon empty things and then wonder why I question your love for me. I wonder why I can’t trust you anymore. My examples are Hollywood stars who put their security in the tangible and people who turn to thrills to fill the void in the hearts that you are to fill.

I can’t eat candy (or in my case, Netflix/flirting with boys I know I have no business flirting with/mismanaging my money/not eating healthy to comfort myself/ etc) and not expect to feel the rush and then the bonk. I have to eat right and spend my time taking in things that holy, good, pure… like the music I listen to, the people I choose to hang out with, and the ways I choose to spend my time and money. God teach me, I’m willing to humble myself and admit I don’t know it all!

I love you Jesus! 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Weeks' update!

For this week’s recap, I’ll start with school…

I started school this last week and it was totally amazing! I love all my classes and my teachers are all so passionate and enthusiastic so it’s easy to want to learn. Work has been easy and I’ve been able to accomplish a lot of home work while I’m on the job (ya, God has really blessed me a lot!!).

Monday night was our Kick off Pizza and Vision at church. We got together for the first time since last spring and strategized for the Rally. Basically, our church is full of a bunch of little home groups or groups of people who meet at houses throughout the week. We do it that way so that relationships can be built easier and so that discipleship (or helping others to become more like Christ) can happen more fluidly. Every year we have a “Pizza and Vision” night to have pizza and talk about what we envision the semester and year to look like. 

Our group talked about how we really hope that our relationships will deepen and that we learn to share ourselves with each other for the purpose of building group intimacy.

I was so excited because I have wanted to feel that kind of connection with my church group for a long time! 

I have been close with people within my church, but haven’t felt engrained in it. I have hungered for a deeper intimacy within my friendships and I’ve craved friends who are willing to challenge me and call me out and be examples of the types of people whom I’d like to model myself after. I want to see other people live out qualities that I would like to develop and I want to do the same for others. I believe that this year, I’ll receive that :D

On Tuesday we had the Rally for A&M Christian Fellowship and that was a lot of fun! I’ve never actually been to a Rally for AMCF, so I was glad to finally be a part of it!

Wednesday I worked at the LaQuinta and it was actually one of the easiest nights I’ve had since I started the job in July. We have a new GM and he’s really good. He’s been setting a higher standard for all of us and I think that’s building moral and also boosting the customer satisfaction (which in turn makes happier employees who don’t get yelled at as often… it’s nice).

I think I worked on Thursday… but strangely I can’t remember what I was doing… I can’t remember so bad I’m looking at my calendar.. yikes… I know that is inaccurate information. I am pretty sure I worked.

Friday was so much fun! I woke up and went to Sundance (a therapeutic riding center that I volunteer at). I cleaned and organized the tack room and the tack and then cleaned out some stalls. I was in horse heaven!!

That afternoon, I worked and then went to see Brian Regan at First Yell. I went alone, but I didn’t care because he was so stinkin’ funny! I laughed so hard I thought I would wet my pants. I also really enjoyed watching all the Aggie groups perform! We have so many talented people! I am so proud and thankful to be an Aggie! After yell, I came home and had the house to myself so I sang for like 3 hours. I love to sing! I really should get over the fear of doing it publically.

I went to our home group party on Saturday which was Luau themed. I haven’t been to such a fun party in way longer than I can remember. We had coconuts to drink out of, build your own shish kabobs, deserts galore, games, and leis to wear. I felt like everyone there was very easy and enjoyable to talk with!

After the party, I met up with my old home group and we went to my first Midnight Yell! I didn’t think I would like it, but I got there and was absorbed by the Aggies! I felt like I picked up the yells pretty easily and enjoyed being a part of the Aggie body! It was so exhilarating to be there. I’ve been full of praise all day because I’m realizing how fortunate I am to be in such an amazing school! I’m overwhelmed by how God has blessed me and am in awe of His gifts! I really don’t feel like I deserve to be here and just seeing things like the First Yell and the Midnight yell and learning more about so many traditions has opened my eyes to see what a deep rooted history my school has! I think it’s such a privilege to know that I will be a part of the Aggie legacy.

Church was on Sunday and I have to admit, I was not in the mood to get up. I was so excited to have experienced midnight yell, that I could not sleep all night. I’ve been tired and sick feeling all day. I’m wiped out. I feel like a baby. I might sleep in tomorrow, even though I have a big week planned.

I was actually really excited to be at church. This is rare for me. I usually don’t like being there and don’t feel comfortable there. I get anxiety about it. I think I’m scared of people judging me. I don’t like church politics and I’m afraid that I’ll let people down… so it’s easier to avoid them sometimes. I know that’s not true, but my heart struggles to let the lies go sometimes.

After church, I worked out (which I actually do every day, but for today it was one of the highlights of my day) and then went to work. I did some home work at work, but overall felt unproductive and am a little disappointed about it.

Although I was super social last week, I’d really like to tone it down a little bit because I feel like I’m going at a pace that I can’t sustain for long. I’m getting more and more tired. I’d like to focus a bit more on God this week too. I really enjoy the times when I can sing to Him or when I can journal with Him. I write down things that I hear Him say to me and my heart is strengthened and encouraged. I haven’t done that in way to long and although, I’m very content socially, I’m not very content with the intimacy between God and I right now.

It’s funny how you can fill your time with friends and play hard all day and constantly be having fun, but still feel a void… like something is missing. I’d rather sacrifice some of the time I’m spending having so much fun with other people and apply a little bit of it to relaxing with my God. I miss Him, and I’m in love. Only He can ever really know me and in Him and because of him, I can know myself more clearly. He just makes sense of it all you know?

I also want to spend some time learning how to play the guitar. I think I will start by trying to play it on Mondays. Tomorrow is Monday, so wish me luck ;-)

Stay tuned for next weeks update and more blogs ;-) (that is, if I’m any good at this… it might fizzle out).

Singing in the Rain

One of my biggest fears (aside from roaches and heights) is singing where other people can hear me. I used to do it a lot and I think I'm alright at it... I mean the few people who have heard me sing in the last 10 years or so have told him I'm good. I'm just as freaked out to sing as I could be though.

I was singing in the car on a road trip a few weeks ago to God. I felt like He said to me (btw, I do believe God speaks directly to us as you'll no doubt catch in many of my blogs), "I love hearing you sing... why don't you do it more often?" I replied, "I'm just scared. I can't do it." He said, "But I gave you a voice to sing with... you should use it to glorify me." I sassed back, "Ok, I'll make you a deal (as if I could bargain with God... like we're equals), if you give me a guitar I'll learn to play guitar and I'll sing to you for whoever you want to hear." I kept singing in the car and didn't think much more about that conversation.

Weeks later, I was telling my room mate the story about me telling God to give me a guitar so that I could sing. I can't remember why it was brought up, but for some reason I was talking about it. After I told her the story she enthusiastically stated, "Oh! My parents are coming from Ohio in a week or two and they are planning on bringing my guitar with them! You may use it whenever you like!" My heart fell right down into my stomach. I didn't know if I was more excited that God provided, terrified of having sing for people, overwhelmed by the idea of learning to play an instrument, or all of the above.

It has been over two weeks and I still haven't made the time to learn to play the guitar. I feel a little guilty about it. I did promise God after all.

I have however made progress in the rhelm of singing and I have a fun idea.

I love secular music! (If you aren't up on the christian jargon, secular music is just any music that isn't Christian music). I love Lady Gaga especially! Even though I usually stop myself after singing a few lines and think, "Wait... I want to take a ride on your what?!" or "Ok so I have to choose between wanting love or fame if I want to play the love game?" Basically I'm always analyizing the lyrics and end up dissapointed because I don't agree with them. I've found a fix to this delimna though!

I have rewritten some of my favorite secular songs and now they are songs that glorify God!

My next challenge to overcoming my fear of singing is to make a Youtube post (eeee!!). I have redone Lady Gaga's Bad Romance song and intend to record myself singing my rendition and then I'll post it online (cause I don't have the guts yet to sing it any where else).

We'll see how that goes, wish me luck! (or pray for a little extra dose of God's grace or confidence or something along those lines.)

Psychology Pit-Fall

If I've told you what I am getting my degree in, there's a good chance I add, "…it's the most useless information I could imagine committing my time to." or "I don't agree with half the stuff they teach us."

Several times over the last month, I've wondered to myself, "Why do you invest so much time and energy getting educated if you don't agree with most of the stuff they teach? How can you change either your own perception or the world's perception about all the stuff you don't agree? Why do other people believe all this shit?" Those are things I think.

Well, for starters, I commit my time, money, and energy to pursuing a degree in psychology because I want to be a licensed counselor and you have to have an education to do that. I love people! I want to help them and I want to walk with them in our mutual pursuit of truth... God's truth.

I believe that a lot of people do psychological research because they are interested in identifying and explaining the human psych and ultimately understand and progress in our development as people. The problem though, is so many "conclusions" we have come to within the field of research have not been used for the sake of development and progression.

Let me explain:

A lot of the "answers" we use (at least from this undergrad student's point of view) are used to justify behavior or beliefs rather than progress. I believe a lot of people use research so that they have an excuse for their believe systems and their choices.

Every day I read for hours about psychology. I’m in 5 psych classes, so I’m constantly reading about it and constantly disagreeing.
Today’s reading was in my Choices in Sexuality (third edition) book by Susan McCammon and David Knox. This particular passage is discussing natural selection and whether morals/goodness/correct decision making in regards to sexuality is genetically inherited or not. The passage illustrates it’s point that we can learn to “cope” with our genetically inherited traits and uses rapists as an example.  I read:
It means only that the trait is correlated with success in gene propagation…he suggested that evolutionary data could be used in the development of a high school rape prevention program. His proposed course would advise young men that their genetic heritage could engage in a spectrum of coercive activities…our now partially education young men would be informed that they need not permit their evolved psyches, which are after all working on behalf of their genes, to lead them into actions that could cause others such unhappiness” (pp. 212-213). He would explain that the extreme distress of rape victim is also naturally selected to keep a woman’s social partner from abandoning her. Young men and women, with a more accurate knowledge of human nature, could choose to behave adaptively in interpersonal or social, instead of evolutionary, terms. (Pg. 28)
Ok, so most of you know that I am a Christian and here’s a heads up, I’m about to get all Christian up in heya.
Let’s say for just a moment, that God was in charge of creating us. When God created us, let’s just imagine that maybe He loved us so much that he wanted to actually have a two way relationship with us… so he gave us this ability to make our own decisions. We chose to disobey one of His commandments to us and sin (choosing against God’s will) was birthed in all humanity.
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s just say that maybe the choice to rape someone isn’t a genetically uncontrollable choice that we are just victims to… let’s say that it’s rooted in this little thing called pride and selfishness. Maybe, just maybe, someone could be so prideful (aka thinking so highly of themselves) that they only think of themselves and end up causing harm to another (in this example, rape).
I hate the idea of a school program targeting young men telling them that they are predisposition to raping a woman and then trying to teach them how to “cope” with the potential “predispositioned” problem (aka sin) they might face. I seem to remember a verse in the Bible that says:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
And one of my very favorites says, “7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Call me crazy, but I’d like to see an education program teach young men that they have been created by a an all loving warrior God of the universe and that they are called to reflect His nature by exercising a passion to pursuing and loving the heart of their King. When you love God, you forsake different ways of life that may have been tempting before. When you love God and have a relationship with Him, you are suddenly transformed and your heart’s direction changes course. You become more like God and you desire His desires (which don’t ever include rape).

Now let’s address the other half of this insanity. The quote above suggests and implies that women don’t enjoy being raped because a rapist won’t be the type of partner who will provide for their needs…

…Ok…

Haha I’m laughing at loud because I think all of this is just shit.

Really though... I’ve been raped. I’ve also been in love. Now when I compare the two experiences and think about the man I was completely in love with raping me, I still don’t think I’d be all that into it even if he gave me a check afterwards (or any kind of provision whether it be tangible, emotional, relational, physical, you name it). I just don’t think I’d be all that committed to him in my heart if he was raping me (call me crazy).


Now on the flip side, I think about the guy who raped me. That whole experience lacked any intimacy. It was purely physical. If you buy into the whole natural selection hurrah than don’t you kind of believe that the strongest genes survive and that our species is programed to populate? Don’t you believe that the point of sex isn’t for the purpose of intimacy and relational enhancement between a husband and wife but rather for the purpose of insuring that your genes will multiply? If you believe all that than you (and unfortunately far to little Christians today) certainly couldn’t believe that God may have also created sex to be a form of worship to be enjoyed by a husband and a wife… possibly a way to glorify God by loving and delighting in each other?!


Now I know there are all kinds of directions we can go from here argument wise (we talk nonstop for over 2 weeks if we wanted to about this one). But the article above suggested that humanity as a whole would want to prevent or discourage rape. The whole point of implementing an educational program would be to discourage the tendencies that men may have to rape women. Yes, from a natural selection view point, this could be because we don’t want the “rape” gene to survive. For the purpose of my argument though, let’s suppose it’s a “sin” gene that everyone except their dogs have and that it’s unavoidable and unmanageable unless you acknowledge a higher power (call me crazy, but is that a little easier to believe and accept than all this genetic stuff? People just don’t want to believe it cause it forces them to give up things that the sin nature seeks out – it’s called dying to yourself when you start acknowledging all that… and yes, it hurts and feels like dying but there’s a great trade off).

If we were to admit that we may have a sin problem on our hands, than we have to acknowledge that WE are the problem (not our genes)… and it puts the ball back in our court. Suddenly we can’t just say, “I raped someone, but I can’t help it, it’s in my genes.” We have to say, “I raped someone and I’m guilty and I’m in need of forgiveness!! I’m a hopeless case with a desperate need for mercy from all mighty, all powerful, and all loving God who has a desire to forgive my sin even though I can never pay Him back for it.” Now that’s scary...

I mean, what if God changes his mind about you? What if God makes an exception and says, “No, I’m tired of dealing with your imperfection and your inability to live up to my standards. You’re out. I’m perfect, I’m God, I set the standard, and sorry Courtney, you just won’t make the cut.” I mean, He’s God… if He wanted to, He could.
But check it, God says, 11 This is a trustworthy saying:
If we die with him,
      we will also live with him.
 12 If we endure hardship,
      we will reign with him.
   If we deny him,
      he will deny us.
 13 If we are unfaithful,
      he remains faithful,
      for he cannot deny who he is.
(2 Timothy 2:11-13)

Now this is where the faith part comes in. We can live in fear of God because we will never be perfect like He is, or we can live in the believe and the hope that even though God is holy and pure and perfect, He will still love us and remain faithful to us! Talk about a mental hurdle! That is terrifying! But for me, and I hope for you, it’s so freeing!

When I read that quote and think about women not being predispotioned to enjoy or accept rape because their partners are likely to not stick around and provide, I’m heart broken. Rape is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual violation against another human (and yes, men can be raped so this isn’t simply a woman thing). I’m so heartbroken to think that some researcher could study our spirits down to a scientific formula and then say that is all we are composed of.

My room mate Tiffany Bixell was telling me about an analogy that a friend of hers shared with her. She was saying (and I won’t be able to type it as eloquently as she spoke it to me) that scientists use dissection as a way to study the body and understand how it works. They can take it apart, see how it’s put together, examine the passage ways, watch the body function as it dies (in many labs, they can cut an animal under sedation open and observe the living body function)… but ultimately, they have to kill the body to study it through dissection.

The reason I hate what psychology is capable of doing is because the science of studying the mind, heart, and soul boils the mystery and complexity of humanity down into a “scientific equation” rooted in statistics and formulas.

Something inside of my heart longs to scream, “I am not a statistic! I am not a formula! I cannot be explained and understood through lab based results! I cannot be comprehended solely in the context of science! I am fearfully and wonderfully made! And I am secure not because I fully understand what it means to be a human or a woman or an American or a student or a single person or a married person or a whatever. I’m secure because I was created by a God who is greater than me and who IS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH. I’m secure because as I learn, discover, and generate new ideas, I have an ultimate truth to verify hypotheses against that will rise above statistics and general populations! I’m free to be secure despite not having all the answers because I know that there is an ultimate truth and an intelligent design! I’m secure because I’m a child of God and because He loves me and will never reject me, even though science ultimately will if that’s all I put my faith in.”

See, I am all about discovering the complexity of humanity! I love learning about how we have been created because I believe with everything I am that as we discover ourselves, we discover more about God. I’m not in favor of using the research to justify our sin or to counter God’s commandments that were intended to build us up and give us lives full of hope and vigor. I am passionate for truth, and when I read my psych books, I’m constantly reminded of a world that is lost and directionless. I’m reminded of the weighty void in people’s hearts and their desperate longing to fill the void with answers. I long for people to see and know my God, my Love, my Truth!