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Lord,
I am at this point where I want to love you with everything
I am. I want to be the kind of woman who loves you so wholly and fully but I
can see there are still parts of my heart that are hard and unwilling to give
themselves over to you. What does loving you with full abandonment look like?
What do you want it to look like? What is a way of living that would speak love
to your heart? Will you show me? I can’t bring myself to believe that it means
you expect me to quit living, but I can’t believe that it means putting so many
things before you either.
I hope to be the kind of woman who loves you and obeys you
even when I really don’t want to and even when it’s not convenient. I suppose I
should ask you for more opportunities to love you like that. If you give them
to me, I may mess up more… but how else can I develop if I don’t face these
fears ? I’d rather make a complete fool of myself before you and angels and
demons and people and myself than never risk growing towards the intimacy that
my heart so desperately craves. So, bring me to the mountains. I’m willing to
go now. I’m willing to face my fears and I’m willing to put myself to shame all
for you. I’m willing to risk it all, even eternal gains if it means that I could
hope to have a greater life with you my love. What I am praying is bold but my
desperation is bolder than my hesitation! So take me where I must go to know
you and to have more of you.
Yesterday on my run I carried a fistful of rocks to
represent my sin and my disobedience and the things I have held onto so desperately
as I have run through life. I released them into the river at the end of my run
as a way to symbolize that I am ready and willing to let go of these idols and
false representations of you. God, I want you so bad. The truth is, if I get
you in this way, nothing will have a grip on me any more (as far as I can tell
from this vantage point). So is it a life mission or is it an attainable lesson
for life? If I can learn it now, teach me now so that I can build further and
deeper and wider. I invite you to wage your war on my enemies and on my very
heart so that you can have the entire territory of my soul.
I long for you. My soul longs for you.
I will come to you and
I will have my war. I will destroy that which hinders my love from fully
penetrating your heart. I will remove all of that which causes you to retreat
from me. I desire you, all of you, and I will have you. I take you up on your
offer starting now. Starting today. I will nurture you and protect you and
guard you through the battle because you are my fair one and you are my prize.
You are the inheritance for which I have fought for. You are my satisfaction
and my gain. I will have you because I want you. Nothing can stand in the way
of my love for you and nothing can separate you from my heart. So come, and don’t
be afraid of the heights I will bring you too. Don’t be afraid to be exposed
for the depths you have come from will only stand as a testimony for how low I
will travel to find my beloved one. You are enchanting and captivating to me.
You are lovely to behold. You asked me yesterday how a princess can go from
rags to riches, from ashes to beauty and fulfill her roll in grace and dignity
without having ever been trained in the ways of royalty… I am telling you that
I am not only your prince, but your trainer. I am the one leading you and I am
unswayed by the rough edges. I am not turned off by the fumbles because I chose
you, knowing every mistake you would ever make and every sin you would ever
choose to commit against me (knowingly and unknowingly). I chose you despite
every sin anyone will or ever has committed against you. What is shame and
guilt when my love washes you white as snow? Do you think I hold those things
against you anymore? I do not. So come with me my sweet lover princess, and
enjoy the adventure, danger and all! Isn’t that what your heart craves? The
adventure of it all?
I do crave adventure with you! What else could I ask for? I
trust you. I love you.
I love you too.
