Posts
Wow! What a year! I can’t remember the last time I really updated anything… but what better time than the first day at work that I have had nothing to do….just as I type that my whole body tenses up in anticipation of a pending task just about to jump out at me…
Nothing…
…ok then, just as I have nothing to do.
…Still nothing…
…Ok so just as I typed my second nothing, I encountered a customer with a 30 minute problem. I’ll just journal in between work today I guess.
Break went well. I worked and worked and worked then I slept and slept and slept and after a couple weeks, I went back to working all day again. Yesterday, I was here for nearly 12 hours. I am making a good amount of money, but I am very tired between that and working out so much.
I really loved the time I was able to spend with my sister! I just soaked her up. We basically watched tv and worked out the whole break (she worked at her job too).
I didn’t make time to learn to play the guitar or learn Spanish… but I did great 3 or 4 shutterfly books. I am very excited about them, but can’t afford to publish them yet. I think each book will cost about $150 to get, so I may just keep them on my never ending wish list.
T-Courtney
As far as T-Courtney goes, I have made a whole mess of progress! I have lost 7 lbs in just about a month. I’ve slowed down a little, but whatever. I saw a dietician before break and have been eating a net total of about 1400 calories per day. I have been working out a lot too.
I will be participating in a swimming class this summer and I’m very eager to become a better swimmer. I will admit to my little blogging world that I have secretly had an old man crush on my swim teacher and I’m both freaked out and turned on by the idea of this mystery, balding, pudgy man seeing me in a swim suit for the next 16 weeks. I haven’t put a whole lot of thought into it, but it does amuse me.
I have another body related goal this semester: To do pull ups and pushups. I’ve incorporated them into my work out routine and I’m anxious to see the results. I’ve thought about getting a personal trainer this semester for new ideas and for accountability… but it’s like $300 for 15 sessions. Of course, I could easily just pay for 5 or 10 sessions… but we will see. They haven’t called me back yet about a time when I can come in for the initial pair up with the trainer.
I’ve also taken advantage of going to see the University dietician. She’s the best! I don’t know how much I will use her though if I stay on track, but she did tell me how many calories were in a portabella mushroom the other day (20 in that giant cap!) and that made me want to schedule another appointment with her.
Dating and All that Jazz
Well, I’m officially back on the market. I’ve put a lot of prayer and thought into this decision and asked a few people who I’m very close to and I have decided that I’m going to be available to be dated. Still, I’m not really on the hunt. I’m free, but not looking. I think that is a good place to be. I would love to be able to date someone, but I made up my mind a couple years ago that I would never look on the internet again. I don’t know how else I would “look” for someone.
I did try to give my number to a guy a few weeks ago and it went terribly wrong in the most embarrassing way. He was kind of flirty with me, so I flirted back. He put his hand on my back and told me he was about to leave… I took that as an invitation that he may want me to be more “available” in the amount of time that he was planning on being there. In response, I wrote my number down, put it on the desk and said, “Ummm…. Here’s my number…” he just stared. “You can have it…. If you want.” He laughed and took the number out of politeness. I never got a call. I decided that I’m not interested in being the pursuer any more. Plus any man who is man enough for me will have the balls to ask me out and get my number. I just hope this ballsy stallion will show up in my life sooner rather than later. I told Caroline and she told me that she was going to pray that I would become content being single.
Ironically, that brings me to another point: Contentment.
Contentment is my chosen word for this year. My word last year was worship. I learned so much about the “reality” of worship. To me, worship isn’t just an act any more. It’s a constant and intentional expression to the Lord that I am willing and available to Him despite circumstance, emotion, or setting. Worship is an openness of my heart, before the love of my life. It’s a way of being connected to Him on the day to day, through the excitement as well as the mundane.
Contentment is a word that excites me and scares me. I am excited because I desire to be content regardless of what is going on. Of course, emotion will come and go… and I’m not talking about always being happy… more an acceptance of where I am in life and what I’m doing and what I have. I don’t want to be always wanting what is next or what I don’t have. I don’t want to be chasing dreams constantly. I want to be happy as a college student, in a computer based job, on a student’s salary, with or without a boyfriend regardless of my level of fun.
Man, I think I smell BO but I don’t know if it’s me or the vest I’m wearing. I can’t do a sniff check here… keep writing.
I want a more mature view of what being content means.
The verse that comes to mind is:
Philippians 4:11-12 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
Isn’t that beautiful?! What kind of Christian would you have to be to understand that? I know I can, it is my gift as a child of my Father God. It’s my right as a redeemed soul… but will I mature to that?
In so many ways, I feel like such a new believer. I feel like such a new Christian. Just when I think I have figured an aspect of God out, I realize that I know seemingly nothing about Him… still, He calls me friend and Lover. He knows me. I do know Him. I won’t hide behind false humility or a facade of ignorance, when I know that I know some things about my God. I won’t pretend that I can know Him either. It’s hard for me to understand and accept that the Lord doesn’t change despite the fact that I do change. I am evolving and growing and learning constantly, but
He already knows.
I do love Him so much.
I really struggle with the lie that I have to be on par with Him. I feel like in order for Him to accept me, all my ducks must be in line. I believe at times that in order for Him to love me and want me, I must not sin. So often, I catch myself in deliberate sin against the Lord and become encased in my fear. “Will he still want me? No… he won’t accept that behavior.. he won’t accept you, not with those choices…not with that heart.” I know it’s not true, because the Bible says that the Father loved me so much that He gave His ONLY Son. The Bible promises me a relationship with the Father, who is eagerly waiting for connection with an imperfect girl who is destined to fall down and get dirty and be rebellious. I do look forward to the day when I am made perfect and sanctified to Him. I look forward to heaven for that reason.
I look forward to learning from my mistakes and growing into a mature adult and Christian woman.
I don’t know what is next, but I know that I will not have to go alone. I am thankful for that!
