A Conversation with my Savior

Many times when I talk with God, I do it in a journal. I feel when I put my thoughts on paper I can think so clearly. I also appreciate being able to look back and remember where I have been, what I was thinking, and how I got through different times of my life. I also wait and allow God to respond to me (I'll write another blog about how I feel God speaks to me a different day). For the purpose of this blog, I wrote the words I felt God say to me in italics. I think that helps to separate my words from His. Even if it may seem I'm psychotic and totally off my rocker, I do hope that if God speaks to you as you read what I believe he said to me, you'll see that we can have very intimate personal conversations in prayer with the Lord. I pray that as you read, if it be God's will, that something inside of you will ignite and think, "Wow, maybe God really does want to have an open and personal relationship with me?" If this conversational pattern is similar to what you and the Lord already have, I hope it is encouraging and edifying to you to see a glimpse into my prayer life. 

This is a very intimate portion of my heart but I think it's a very important part of my life to share occasionally because I want to model my prayer life before others. I want people to see and realize that it's ok to have a heart to heart with the Lord and it's ok to listen with an open heart too and have confidence when you feel He may be speaking. If you're not sure if it's God or if it's you saying something than talk with another Christian about it to see if they have any input. 

So having said all that, here's my journal:

I am really in a place where I feel I want a man in my life so much that my skin could crawl. It’s funny how just two days ago I was so happy to be single. All week I’ve felt as though I’m so content and satisfied and in love with just God. Then last night came around and I felt so lonely and bored. I felt so discouraged and hopeless for the future. 

Today I sit at home barely even able to talk with Him.

What’s going on? Open up with me.

I don’t even know where to start.

Just talk. I’m her to listen.

God, sometimes I feel as though I just can’t speak to you or even face you.

Why do you think that is?

My sin. I’m so disappointed that I can’t just do it alone. I’m disappointed that I can’t just get my act together and then present myself to you. I suppose parts of me want to be so pure and perfect so that the burden won’t fall on you to always be refining me.

Cast all your burdens and fears on me.

Just when you say that I feel so at peace.

I want my peace to be with you.

I’m ashamed of my weakness. It’s constant I never cease needing you more.

Don’t you think I designed you with that in mind? No one is like me. No one can understand me. Do you think I’m looking for an equal? I didn’t need to make you. I created you with weakness and I have taught you that I am the One with strength. You don’t have to fear my strength though because 

I adore you and have adopted you as my child. You can rest assured that I am your Father, Friend, and Allie.

What other response can I give but to worship you for being so good to me?

Lord, I fall down and go so low more times than I care to even begin trying to count. My depravity follows me with a darker cast than my own shadow in the bright of day. My emotions flutter as a feather does when a gentle breeze blows in the cool of the afternoon. And my fears are the fuel that ignites my engines. Please do not look at me. I know that the moment you do, all you will see is my own humiliation. When you gaze upon the woman you created, you will realize she’s traded glory and beauty for shame and a body/heart covered in self inflicted scars. I fear you will see what I have become and completely reject me. It’s easier to ask you to forget me than it is to risk the rejection that I know I deserve. It’s easier to accept that I will live out the remanding portion of my life calloused and dead of spirit than to hope for a joy that seems so distant, I can’t even define what it may look like. Do not look upon me. Do not see who your lover has become.

I will look and I will see. I will chase after you, though you are clothed in shame. I will pursue you, though you hid your heart from Me. I will embrace you, though you have fallen into a pit of shit. I see the pain, I see the scars, I smell the stench from where you came…. But I call you my own. I call you, Heart of my Own Heart. I call you beloved. I call you daughter. When I see you, compassion and mercy overwhelm me. When I hold you, my heart rips open for I have longed for your embrace. Though you are broken, I will have you again. And when I fix you and heal you, you will see that you will become stronger than you were before. When I kiss you and bath you, your heart will rejoice because you will know my power and my unending love. How could I invest so fully into you? How could I choose you despite all you’ve done? How could I respond to you, though you’ve hurt me with your sin? I can because I am. I can because I am faithful though you are faithless. I will because I am Redeemer. I must because I am Love. My glory will be made known by the testament of your story. Hearts will turn and see who I AM because of your deliverance. Though you may fall down a hundred times and though you may be slow to embrace me, I have chosen you to be a righteous representation of my heart’s desire for my people. You are my beloved, my daughter, my little lamb. I will never cease to love you. 

Ok so this next one is pretty silly. I LOVE listening to Lady Gaga but frequently find myself analyzing her lyrics and disagreeing with me. I frequently sing songs to God and began singing some of my own lyrics to the tune of Lady Gaga's Bad romance. I had fun doing it and decided to rewrite the whole song. Here's what I came up with... ;-)

Summer Update!

Ok, so I know that as far as blogging goes I've completely fallen off the planet all summer and basically all spring. So here's my little update:

Spring rocked and I finished well...

Summer was long and boring. I spent it working and taking Sign Language 1 & 2...

I really enjoyed learning to sign! I hope to continue learning over the next year. I met a man through the class who ended up giving me all the materials I need to complete the 3rd and 4th course at home! He also gave me a 55 gallon fish tank complete with a pump, fish tank decor, and fish. I find the tank so soothing. 

Another interesting thing that happened this summer was that I became a mother. I was sitting outside of the SCC when it happened. I was talking with the supervisor outside when I heard rustling in  the bushes. I looked down to find a baby kitten. My supervisor suggestion I keep it but I said, "No, that would be irresponsible." The group playing frisbee golf that came by suggested I keep it. I said, "No, that would be irresponsible." A guy in the group said it was a gift from God and I really should keep it. I replied, "If this kitten is a gift from God, it'll follow me home and I'll keep it." 

That night as I was setting up the new litter box, make shift cat bed, and fancy feast dinner in the guest bathroom down stairs, I really wondered if it was all just circumstance. I prayed, "God, I'd love a kitten but I really don't think I can afford it. I'm going to take it to the vet tomorrow to see if I can adopt it out. If you want me to have this cat, then give it to me... if not, then please bless it's little life."

I spent 4 hours the next day going from vet to vet only to be told, "Wow! You should keep that cat! Ya'll have great chemistry." and "We don't take cats, wouldn't you make a good match for her?" I put an ad on Craigslist with no luck. A friend came by to look at her only to say, "You know, I love this cat but I don't think she is for me... you should keep her!" 

Finally, my friend Christine picked her up and dropped her off at AFCAT (Aggie Ferrell Cat Association at TAMU). She went by my house when I was at work. I was sad to know the kitten wouldn't be there when I got back, but felt responsible for doing the right thing.

An hour or so later Christine called me. She told me that the vet techs remembered me and the cat and that she and the techs all agreed that the cat and I had an undeniable chemistry. I explained that I really couldn't afford to spay and vaccinate the cat. She said, "Would you be upset if I pay for the cat to be spayed and vaccinated for an early birthday present for you?" I burst into tears of joy! I couldn't believe that after all that trying to get rid of the cat she would really be mine. I took it as a confirmation that God was blessing me with a pet and I rejoiced!

I wanted to name the cat something feminine, soft, and sweet. I searched for names that meant, "God's Gift" and settled on Dolly....

This cat is so perfect for me! She is a very emotional cat and loves attention. She is vocal and follows me wherever I go. She loves riding in cars and plays very gently. She so so sweet. I am also fortunate because I can leave her all day and not feel guilty about it. I also think that if my dreams come true and I become a flight attendant, she will be able to handle me traveling. 

All summer I lived with a girl who I really didn't get along with (although, I think she didn't like me more than I didn't like her... but that's ok). I was so grateful when I moved out and into my own apartment. 

Living alone has been a welcomed change. I can walk around naked whenever I want, I can sing loudly at night or anytime, I can be messy or as clean as I want, and it gives me a chance to really be alone. Something about the loneliness of being alone really draws me to the Lord. 

I'm always amazed how I can feel as though nothing is happening in my walk with Christ... only to look back and realize that I've traveled miles away from where I started. That has how this summer has been. It's like setting sail on an open sea. I can only see a vast endless sea in front of me... but when I gaze in the direction from where I came, I realize that the land I once called home becomes nothing but a small spec in the distance.

My heart is filled with hopes for my upcoming and final semester at A&M. I am more than thankful to be ending my undergraduate career, but there's a bittersweet longing inside of me that whispers, "Wait... I'm not ready." I don't put my security in my accomplishments or in my hopes for the future, I place my security in the Lord who is the compass of my life.

Lord, where will we go next?

My Admissions Letter to TAMU

Courtney Reed

Admissions Paper

UIN:

August 28, 2009

I believe that in order to fully develop character, integrity, compassion and love for others, a person must be stretched and grown through experiences and trials. I have been tested and pushed past limits that I did not know I had, many times throughout my life. And because of God’s love and grace, I have used the pain and battles as stepping stones to becoming the person I have wanted to be.

            Throughout elementary school, I battled severe depression. By my fourth grade year, I had been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Seasonal depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had ups and downs socially and never got very involved in school or with friends. My passion was horses!

            I began riding horses as a form of therapy to help deal with my depression. It was my escape. Art, music, animals, and the outdoors gave me the sense of accomplishment and responsibility that I craved and the structure that I desperately needed.

            Eventually, my depression and mood swings spiraled out of control. I was a danger to myself and others, so at the age of fourteen, I went away to a long term treatment center in Provo , Utah . It was in Utah that I received the treatment needed to save my life. My family was extremely supportive, and for the first time, I developed a personal relationship with Christ.

            In Utah , I excelled in my therapy, made friends, developed a positive self esteem, and realized, “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. I felt invincible the day I graduated from my program with the highest achievable level. I was so proud. Unfortunately, pride always goes before the fall. 

            Two weeks after coming home, Mom left Dad without warning. My world, my hope, and my heart were crushed. The dream of being the cute high school cheerleader who makes good grades, has the warm cozy home, and the hot quarter back boyfriend was quickly replaced by anti social behavior, failed classes, a run down apartment, and no hope for anything more.

I quickly fell into the wrong the crowd and my heart became hardened by anger. I hated my circumstances and myself so much. I began skipping school constantly and hanging out with a really rough crowd. I saw how much it hurt my family and the people who loved me, but I didn’t care. For six months, I dove deeper and deeper into a lifestyle of sex and lies. I gained 90 lbs over the course of that year.

            Finally, my Dad intervened. He reminded me that God has called us to a higher purpose and that nothing can ever separate me from God’s love or his love. My heart was pierced by the words he spoke to me and a new hope for the life that I have dreamed of was ignited once more. We moved to Scottsdale , Az in order to start over.

            Starting over wasn’t as easy as it sounds. My old pattern of behavior crept into our moving van. Nearly a year later, I came home one night after sneaking out with a guy I barely knew. I remember looking at my runny make up in the bathroom mirror, and realizing what I had become. I stared at myself and wondered how a girl like me could turn into the type of girl I had always felt sorry for and looked down on. In that moment I realized that if I didn’t make huge changes, I would never have an education, a man who really loves me, I’d never be the mother I wish I had, and I’d be giving up. I was at a fork in the road of life. I was faced to choose between life and death. I put a star on that November 4, 2004 day on my calendar and prayed, “God I can’t promise I’ll be any different tomorrow, in fact, I am not sure I even want to be. I know you see how miserable I am and if anyone could change me you can! If you want me, take me.” And he did.

            One day turned into a week, then a month, then a year. I rekindled my relationship with Christ, met friends, lost 80 lbs, and I got involved in school and church. At age 17 I moved to Tulsa , Ok to live with a family friend named Ali. Ali became like a mother to me over the next two years. It was very difficult to be apart from my Dad, but I grew so much during that time. I learned to love my real Mom again and I forgave her for leaving and for her abusive behavior. I completely took myself off all medication for the bipolar and depression (and learned to fully use my coping skills – I’ve been successfully off meds for over 4 years). I also started dating, fell in love with God, and got a GED. After a year in the restaurant and retail industry, I decided college is definitely up my ally!

            During the last two years, I have moved around some and traveled a lot! I tried attending Liberty University in Lynchburg , Va for a semester, but quickly realized that Texas A&M is where I desperately want to graduate from.

             My dream is to start a treatment center for women where they will have a chance

to experience physical, emotional, and spiritual healing while discovering, refining, and pursuing their passions in the process. I want to use art, music, and lots of animals in the program too. I want my own life to stand as a model for people without hope, who don’t think they can be happy and healthy because I have seen God’s power in the lives of the hopeless. I want them to see that anything is possible, if they are willing to work hard, trust God, and keep moving forward.

In order to do this, I have chosen to seek a double degree Psychology. Eventually I will seek a Masters in Counseling followed by a PHD in Psychology. My heart is so passionate about sharing the good news about what God has done in my life, and what He can do in everyone’s life if they open themselves to Him.

A&M has my heart; please allow it to educate my mind! I remember visiting my sister (who is also apply for spring ’10) and seeing the monument. Just walking around campus and watching the Corps do drills was so interesting! Learning about all of the traditions fascinated me! Over the last month, I have become an employee at the West Campus Library and computer lab. I bike to work from my house simply because I love being on campus so much! The community and unity that unites the Aggies is something I long to be a part of for the rest of my life.

            Hopefully, my story has given you a better idea of who I am and encouraged you because, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20

            Nothing would make more proud then to proudly wear the Aggie ring and graduate with my psychology degree. God bless, Gig ‘Em Ags and Beat the HELL out of Texas !

God's Love Letter to Us

This was forwarded to me and I just can't not share...

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32
I

f you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

If your father and mother forsake you, I will take you up...
Psalms 27:10

You are loved...
John 3:16

You are forgiven...
Acts 10:43

You are precious...
Luke 12:24

You are beautiful...
Isaiah 61:3

You are mine...
1 Chronicles 29:11

Day, ToDay: Saturday

I woke up with the worst allergies! I felt like I had strep throat. I was not looking forward to going into work. I thought to myself, "If I have to wake up early to go to work on a Saturday, then I am just not going to wear a bra!" One bra and three layers later, I was ready to head downstairs and fuel up on coffee.

After I had made my pot of coffee and packed my bag, I got a text from my boss...

Needless to say I was a little irked. There would be no possible way for me to go back to bed after already having woken up (I'm a very light sleeper and I am incapable of taking naps unless I'm 110% unfunctionally exhausted or sick).

So, in response, I went to a coffee shop to catch up on my magazine reading. I put on my "paparazzi glasses" and hit the road.

As the day drew on, I got sicker and sicker. I felt like I wanted to die. I came home and spent about 7 hours watching tv and breathing in steam from my water boiler. I really don't take medication unless I must so the steam usually does what I hope it will.

After much steam breathing and blog reading, I got a craving for dougnuts. I just went to the store in my pajamas... despite my prejudice outlook on people who publically wear pajamas. I felt like a total hypocrit. I couldn't resist capturing the moment though:

I came home and got in bed...

Day, ToDay: Friday

Fridays are always nice because they are the last real work days of the week. Friday nights are always easy at work too. Another good thing about Friday is that I can sleep in a little bit because I don't have to leave the house until roughly 8am.

Mmm, can you say delicious? Not me... I'm talking about the omlett behind me that I'm thumbs upping.

Yayaya! Veggie omlet, grapes, cinnoman toast, and coffee.

Fridays are my designated swim day with Jenna. This is what I would look like if the rapture had happened that day...according to some theorists :-P

After my work out and swim, I got dressed and headed over to my Psych of Women's class.

...I took a break at the SCC to eat my delicious bean and chicken burrito...

...Then I studied for my Congitive Psych test which I am still waiting to get my grades for...

After my test, I decided to walk over to work because it was nice outside. I was so relaxed and free that I took my shoes off and just enjoyed the day. Part of me felt immature and dirty. I remembered all those pictures of Britney spears walking around barefoot at random gas stations... and then I put my shoes back on. It was very nice for the moment that I had them off.

When I walk to work from main campus I get to pass this really cool construction site. This week they have been rerouting the train tracks so that they can start to tunnel.

My favorite water fountain...

Friday night it was storming! There was a huge flood (I'm talking like 2 ft of water). There was hail too. I took a break from work to watch the rain pour outside. It was coming down so hard that it almost looked sideways. What a beautiful treat!

The boys decided that in order to avoid getting wet, they would make a raincoat... fabulous, no?

I, on the other hand forgot to make a raincoat. Since I was enjoying the beautiful day, I forgot that I had left my bike on main campus (roughly a 20 minute walk). I have always wanted to take advantage of the Corps of Cadets Escort service. Every year, I have said, "I should call them!" Every year, I make excuses..."I don't need an escort, this is embarrassing, I don't have the time, It's not dangerous, etc." Tonight though, I thought, "Maybe the corps boy could help me carry my laundry or my giant heavy back pack!" I called and eneded up waiting an extra 15 mintues in the rain. He got there and we started walking. He didn't offer to carry anything and I decided that I would not ask.

We had a great conversation as we walked. 10 minutes in, a car pulled up and offered a ride. We accepted. The car smelled like coffee and our driver explained he was about to go on a date and decided to get his lucky lady some coffee. The train came as we pulled out onto the main road and then it stopped. We were obviously facing a potential delay... so our driver asked if he could drop us off at the rec (just feet from where he picked us up). We agreed and began our journey on foot again. About 45 minutes after getting off work, I arrived at my bike, thanked more corps boy and scadadled home in the rain.

As you can see, I got very wet and muddy on my way home. I didn't really mind though. I went straight to bed because I knew that I would have an early morning the next day. We had our semiannual West Campus meeting scheduled at 9am.

Day, ToDay: Thursday

Good Morning! Today, I woke up, made a delicious veggie omlet with friut and of course, coffee.

On Thursdays my classes are: Comparitive Psyc, Oceanography Lab, and finally Psychology 204...possibly one of the longest and most boring classes of my life.

After classes on Thursday, I head over to the gym. Thursdays are usually cardio days. This semester I have struggled some with creativity. I tend to default to doing a mix of cardio and weights...even though I lift weights on Wednessdays too. I really love doing the stairclimber on Thursdays, but it is usually being used.

I decided to wear my cute work out hoodie in protest for having to go to class on Thursday:

As always, my 40lb backpack journeyed through the day with me:

Finally, I made it home and spent the rest of the night studying for my test the following morning.



To my God

Your heart for me is unchangeable

Your love, irrevocable

Your compassion is overpowering

I am drenched from your mercy

Your faithfulness is steadfast

Your humility echos throughout my life

Your voice, crystal clear

Your gentleness is my refuge

Your strength is like thunder

Your justice is true

Your patience unending

Lord what can I do?

My heart like a tide

My love is so young

My compassion is fleeting

My mercy unknown

My faithfulness isn’t steady

My humility, mild

My voice shakes and cracks like a scared little child

My gentleness, weary

My strength ain’t enough

My justice, a joke

I’m already fed up!

You sought me

You caught me

Oh this much is true

You made me and changed me

To be more like you

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to grow

My sin now behind me

Like my shadow

Though I may fall down a time or two

I am now complete with a Lover like You

Book Review: Fresh Wind Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala

I highly recommend  this book for anyone! It is basically about the power of prayer. Jim talks about starting the Brooklyn Tabernacle and how he and his church have consistently relied upon one simple principle: Pray to God, and seek His Face.

By praying to God, we are humbling ourselves to ask, "What is your will? How would you like for me to make my choices?" We are also opening our hearts to be available for relationship with our Lord. It's a two way street, the best way to know someone is to communicate and prayer is no different.

Just hearing Jim Cymbala's stories about his experience with prayer really inspired me to make my personal prayer life a bigger deal. I think sometimes, as a christian, it can be tempting to think, "I love talking to God, but does he really hear? Is anything happening? Does he care?" This book really reminded me of the truth and His promise that He does care, it is real, things are happening, and God remains faithful (even when we are faithless because He cannot and will not deny Himself).

I loved this book because hearing the stories strengthened my faith and lifted my spirit. I hope that if you read it, you will enjoy it as much as I did!

T-Courtney

Ok I'll be real with you. I haven't been as diligent over the last few weeks as I should have been about being responsible with my food intake. Let's just not talk about how "Not diligent" I've been. Moving on...

I'm back on the wagon. I have been meeting with a nutritionist and am being held accountable to stick on a calorie plan of 1500/day. If I fill up on veggies and protein, I am pretty satisfied. One issue that I do run into though, is my off day. Saturday is my day off from both school and work. I struggle with my diet on this day because stopping and resting is kind of unnerving for me (though desperately needed).

My nutritionist suggested that I plan my rest days out. I'm on the fence about that because I like having one day that isn't scheduled. We'll see. I do need to think a little bit about a plan regardless.

I am also working with a personal trainer. I meet with him once a week for the next 12 weeks. He has given me a lot of great tips to tweek my typical routine that I have platued on. He's so creative and the work outs are very interesting. It turns out that I have not been lifting heavy enough. I figured. I'm done with the laziness - now I'm really pumping iron...like a man. Well, pumping iron like a man who loves the color pink and also wants to build lean muscle and slim down... I'm hard core.

I have an ignited hope now that was previously beginning to wain. I have also decided to not do any more sugar or "over eating" until I start my period again... (I really don't think anyone reads this... so if my blog starts becoming popular will you tell me that you think it's getting popular so I won't say things like "my period" before everyone?! Thanks.)... anyone once my body decides that it's going to do it's thang, I'll pig out on pasta and chocolate for a day... but not until then.

Maybe around spring break I'll post some follow up pictures to the ones I have already posted. We'll see how hot I am by then and if it's remotely acceptable, I'll reveal my swim suite bod.

With God and a spirit of self control, all things related to my particular weight loss goals are possible!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-Z3YrHJ1sU&ob=av3e

Day, ToDay: Wednesday

Here is a little synapses of what a typical Wednesday may look like in my world:

Good Morning! I wake up at 5:50am, snooze until 6:00am and then spend the next 30-45 minutes praying, reading the bible, listening to music, and reviewing the plethora of emails I received during the last 8 hours. I rarely respond to them... if you aren't my boss and if you've emailed me, you know that. 

I love listening to Mark Driscoll in the mornings as I get ready! Usually I will play that while I take on the feat of packing my backpack. This last Wednesday just happened to be Career Fair day. My mission: Roll pack my clean pressed business attire, water proof it, and ensure that it it's wearable by lunch. 

My backpack normally weighs 30-45 lbs with all my books, water, food, and change of clothes (or nasty sweaty work out clothes). 

Breakfast was a delicious assortment of veggies with egg whites, Raisin toast, grapes, and a Courtney made Cappuccino. Normally, breakfast is my one meal that I eat at home (it's also the only meal I eat that I know I'll be in a seated position and not commuting with), so I really like to sit for it.  

Yay! Me and my other half are finally ready to hit the campus! 

I had one of the best weight lifting work outs ever with my trainer at the gym followed by swim class. This day, we worked on our flip turns. It was hard. I think swimming is my very favorite class though. 

After swimming, I got ready and mentally prepared myself for the retailing career fair. The fair was a great experience because it really showed me how generalized a lot of my career related answers tend to be. I'd really like to mature from a professional standpoint and learn how to stand out in a way that is not obnoxious. I don't think I was obnoxious, but I don't feel as though I was as interesting as I could be. Maybe part of the reason is because I'm really not passionate about retailing. I felt a little awkward when I would meet the booth representatives because after introducing myself we would usually share a little uncomfortable pause before I would say something like, "Well, I really love Dillards!" or "Do you have any summer internship opportunities to tell me about?" Whatever. I rocked that suit. 

No, I didn't ride my steed of steel in my business suite, but I did walk along side of it. I sure do love my bike! And unlike some people, I cannot ride a bike with no handle bars, no handle bars, no handle bars STOP! 

Lunch... nuff said. It was filling, but that many carrots takes forever and a day to eat. 

After attending my classes, and hopefully acing a test, I jetted off to work. I remained there until 9pm. I saw that note laying in the bathroom floor and it really encouraged me. I left it there for the next person to enjoy. 

After a long day, I'm ready to bike home and hit the hay! I love my nightly rides because I really feel like they are relaxing and a great way to unwind. 

New hobby: Snapping photos of Pinterest Princesses. Here are my self imposed rules:

1. The pictures must be taken without the Princess catching on. 

2. Class pinteresting/work pinteresting only (not just some girl pinteresting on her own time... only inappropriate depictions of Pinterest activity will count)

3. I will be posting the pictures on Facebook, most likely while I'm class (maybe there is someone out there starting a collection of Phonography Photaholics?)... so check them out!

2012 Update!

Wow! What a year! I can’t remember the last time I really updated anything… but what better time than the first day at work that I have had nothing to do….just as I type that my whole body tenses up in anticipation of a pending task just about to jump out at me…

Nothing…

…ok then, just as I have nothing to do.

…Still nothing…

…Ok so just as I typed my second nothing, I encountered a customer with a 30 minute problem. I’ll just journal in between work today I guess.

Break went well. I worked and worked and worked then I slept and slept and slept and after a couple weeks, I went back to working all day again. Yesterday, I was here for nearly 12 hours. I am making a good amount of money, but I am very tired between that and working out so much.

I really loved the time I was able to spend with my sister! I just soaked her up. We basically watched tv and worked out the whole break (she worked at her job too).

I didn’t make time to learn to play the guitar or learn Spanish… but I did great 3 or 4 shutterfly books. I am very excited about them, but can’t afford to publish them yet. I think each book will cost about $150 to get, so I may just keep them on my never ending wish list.

T-Courtney

As far as T-Courtney goes, I have made a whole mess of progress! I have lost 7 lbs in just about a month. I’ve slowed down a little, but whatever. I saw a dietician before break and have been eating a net total of about 1400 calories per day. I have been working out a lot too.

I will be participating in a swimming class this summer and I’m very eager to become a better swimmer. I will admit to my little blogging world that I have secretly had an old man crush on my swim teacher and I’m both freaked out and turned on by the idea of this mystery, balding, pudgy man seeing me in a swim suit for the next 16 weeks. I haven’t put a whole lot of thought into it, but it does amuse me.

I have another body related goal this semester: To do pull ups and pushups. I’ve incorporated them into my work out routine and I’m anxious to see the results. I’ve thought about getting a personal trainer this semester for new ideas and for accountability… but it’s like $300 for 15 sessions. Of course, I could easily just pay for 5 or 10 sessions… but we will see. They haven’t called me back yet about a time when I can come in for the initial pair up with the trainer.

I’ve also taken advantage of going to see the University dietician. She’s the best! I don’t know how much I will use her though if I stay on track, but she did tell me how many calories were in a portabella mushroom the other day (20 in that giant cap!) and that made me want to schedule another appointment with her.

Dating and All that Jazz

Well, I’m officially back on the market. I’ve put a lot of prayer and thought into this decision and asked a few people who I’m very close to and I have decided that I’m going to be available to be dated. Still, I’m not really on the hunt. I’m free, but not looking. I think that is a good place to be. I would love to be able to date someone, but I made up my mind a couple years ago that I would never look on the internet again. I don’t know how else I would “look” for someone.

I did try to give my number to a guy a few weeks ago and it went terribly wrong in the most embarrassing way. He was kind of flirty with me, so I flirted back. He put his hand on my back and told me he was about to leave… I took that as an invitation that he may want me to be more “available” in the amount of time that he was planning on being there. In response, I wrote my number down, put it on the desk and said, “Ummm…. Here’s my number…” he just stared. “You can have it…. If you want.” He laughed and took the number out of politeness. I never got a call. I decided that I’m not interested in being the pursuer any more. Plus any man who is man enough for me will have the balls to ask me out and get my number. I just hope this ballsy stallion will show up in my life sooner rather than later. I told Caroline and she told me that she was going to pray that I would become content being single.

Ironically, that brings me to another point: Contentment.

Contentment is my chosen word for this year. My word last year was worship. I learned so much about the “reality” of worship. To me, worship isn’t just an act any more. It’s a constant and intentional expression to the Lord that I am willing and available to Him despite circumstance, emotion, or setting. Worship is an openness of my heart, before the love of my life. It’s a way of being connected to Him on the day to day, through the excitement as well as the mundane.

Contentment is a word that excites me and scares me. I am excited because I desire to be content regardless of what is going on. Of course, emotion will come and go… and I’m not talking about always being happy… more an acceptance of where I am in life and what I’m doing and what I have. I don’t want to be always wanting what is next or what I don’t have. I don’t want to be chasing dreams constantly. I want to be happy as a college student, in a computer based job, on a student’s salary, with or without a boyfriend regardless of my level of fun.

Man, I think I smell BO but I don’t know if it’s me or the vest I’m wearing. I can’t do a sniff check here… keep writing.

I want a more mature view of what being content means.

The verse that comes to mind is:

Philippians 4:11-12

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Isn’t that beautiful?! What kind of Christian would you have to be to understand that? I know I can, it is my gift as a child of my Father God. It’s my right as a redeemed soul… but will I mature to that?

In so many ways, I feel like such a new believer. I feel like such a new Christian. Just when I think I have figured an aspect of God out, I realize that I know seemingly nothing about Him… still, He calls me friend and Lover. He knows me. I do know Him. I won’t hide behind false humility or a facade of ignorance, when I know that I know some things about my God. I won’t pretend that I can know Him either. It’s hard for me to understand and accept that the Lord doesn’t change despite the fact that I do change. I am evolving and growing and learning constantly, but

He already knows.

I do love Him so much.

I really struggle with the lie that I have to be on par with Him. I feel like in order for Him to accept me, all my ducks must be in line. I believe at times that in order for Him to love me and want me, I must not sin. So often, I catch myself in deliberate sin against the Lord and become encased in my fear. “Will he still want me? No… he won’t accept that behavior.. he won’t accept you, not with those choices…not with that heart.” I know it’s not true, because the Bible says that the Father loved me so much that He gave His ONLY Son. The Bible promises me a relationship with the Father, who is eagerly waiting for connection with an imperfect girl who is destined to fall down and get dirty and be rebellious. I do look forward to the day when I am made perfect and sanctified to Him. I look forward to heaven for that reason.

I look forward to learning from my mistakes and growing into a mature adult and Christian woman.

I don’t know what is next, but I know that I will not have to go alone. I am thankful for that!

My Song

I made a song :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdrYdwTA79I&context=C2a40eADOEgsToPDskJbspmIlEGVbILqYCGb_vKc

Ok, I didn't really make it... but I sang it. I'll be back to blogging once finals are over. Until then, I'll keep shower singing and possibly do a few more youtube videos... but we'll see. I mess up to much :-P

Training my Rats

11/3/11

                So consider this my official announcement: I have rats. Rats by choice. I have two female rats named Liberty and Mercedes. I got them because I was thinking (as I frequently do… like daily… sometimes hourly) about how much I miss having a pet. Then I thought to myself, “You know, you can’t wait for a pet to happen to you, you have to happen to it.” And in that moment I realized that like children, there’s really no convenient time for a new pet… you just have to close your eyes, jump in, and take the good with the bad. I chose rats because they are highly intelligent and they live for 3-5 years. In 3-5 years I hope to be completing grad school, more settled, possibly married… or at least dating someone? Anyway, 3-5 years is a good commitment time for me with these two rats because I think in 3-5 years, I’ll be ready for my puppies. Oh crap… in 3-5 years I’ll be between the ages of 27-30… by that point, I might be ready for children! That’s scary.

                My rats are awesome! They fill my heart. They love sweet treats like bananas and I have noticed they are also huge spinach fans. They are so greedy though. Part of me is all about rats and the other part has a really hard time bonding with them. I suppose it’s because they are a little unruly right now. They like to dart around, feel free to climb on their cage ramp when it’s open, don’t sit still when I’m petting them, and try to grab things that they want out of my hands.

                Training the rats is one of my newest night time activities. I usually limit each rat to a 15 minute session. Last week, we just got to know each other and I would hold them or let them walk around my bed for that time. I was just trying to build familiarity and trust between us.

                This week, I’ve noticed the rats have become a little to trusting. They are all over the place and have high expectations when it comes to food. I think the focus needs to go from food, to activity and relationship.

                Last night we started our first training session. I’m mixing positive and negative reinforcing techniques… although in truth, I have no idea what the standard for behavior should realistically be for a rat.

                First off, We are working on waiting patiently to get out of the cage instead of charging the open door and jumping onto the ramp. This is important for several reasons. First off, I want to establish dominance and I want the rats to know that they are only allowed out of their cage when I permit them to be out of the cage. I’m still trying to think about a cue to associate with the permissive aspect… that can be next week.

                To teach them that they are not allowed to charge out of their cage I nudge their head and say, “No” in my ‘Serious Mommy voice’. Sometimes I may have to repeat the nudge/’no’ 15 or 20 times. We did two sessions with each rat last night and this morning they were extremely responsive! They are definitely learning quickly!

                One problem I am finding though is since I’m using my finger’s knuckle to nudge the rats, they are more apprehensive about being pet with my finger tips.  I don’t want the rats to come to associate my hands with discipline… but God says that if you spare the rod than you’ll spoil the child. Maybe the rats can learn situational context?

                I was praying about teaching the rats last night. I really want to do what’s best for them and for myself. Even though they are just rats, I feel so blessed to have them. I want to honor God in the way that I take care of them and in the way I train them.

                Part of me is a little overwhelmed because it’s been nearly 10 years since I have trained anything. I know how to do it, but I struggle with patience at times and when one method won’t work, I get frustrated and overwhelmed by how to make it work. I suppose that is how parenting feels sometimes. Training animals must be a fabulous way to prepare yourself for training children. Some of the best parents I know don’t over think things. Although I’m super anylitical and love thinking… over thinking, I’m using this training series with my rats as practice for not over thinking. Does that make any sense? Do I sound ultra hypocritical writing a blog about training rats, tying in theological threads/life lessons, and obviously thinking seriously about something that is a surface level topic? The truth is, I have a boring life and I want something to blog about. 

Aside from school, work, working out, and church… the rats are kind of the only eclectic thing going on for me right now. So that’s why I’m over thinking no thinking about them… it beats thinking about learning on a neural level (one of my classes).

                Some of the next things I intend to work with the rats will be:

1.       Teaching them to “Step up” onto my hand when it’s time to come out of their cage

2.       Teaching them to “Step Down” when it’s time to “Go back Home”

3.       Possibly rat proofing my room so they can have more exercise walking around. 

My Beauty and Value

When I am left with the effects and the evidence of my sin, I find that I forget my value and the beauty of God’s design in me. Time after time, as I draw near to Him through my obedience, empowered by His grace and pardoned by His Mercy, I find that I am loved, cherished, highly valued, and truly beautiful.

My circumstances may not change, but my belief in the truth that I am of great value to God becomes sealed and cemented in my heart.

As I submit to God’s authority, I’m equipped to walk tall and endure on the road of persistence. His is my strength. He is my portion. He leads me out of my own folly and into His plan for me. God’s desires become my desires. His will becomes the map to my heart. His word, the Bible, becomes my compass as I follow and seek Him.

Ironically, the sin vanishes and a new strength arises inside of me. The callouses fall off and I am soft and pure and innocent, not lacking in wisdom or perception. Through meekness and humility I clearly discern good from bad; right from wrong. Judgment is entrusted to God as I confide my fears to Him. Only He can Judge the whole picture. Only He can see all sides and all angles. Only He is complicated enough to uncomplicated me.

My heart is His. My mind is eager to learn. He is my wilderness, and I am His Columbus.

I do not fear my future because God has proven Himself trustworthy, Honest, and integrous. He’s faithful like the sunrise and as timely as the sunset. I do not allow my past to chain me down.  I know that I am forgiven for my past and I know that I have a future full of God’s presence. After you encounter Him, you can’t help but agree that there is no greater joy than just to be with Him.

Even if I knew He would reject me forever, I’d still follow Him because I can see that He is the only thing that truly completes my life. He’s worth the sacrifice of myself. He’s worth the sacrifice of temporary gratification from sin. He is the only thing and the only one who has the power to give permanent and enduring satisfaction, despite circumstance.

He is my constant, he is my heart beat. He’s the motivator to keep persisting when life screams to give up. God redefines my definition of beauty and value because He is my beauty and my value. When I’m on my own and do things my way, I am left with the reality of my ugliness. Nothing about my mind, heart, or body is beautiful if God isn’t being glorified with it. I am not my own. There is a greater power who reigns over me. He is the Lord of my life, and the director of my destiny. He is my God and I am proud to say that I am His creation… made with value, created in beauty.